Marriage on a Mission

About a month ago I listened to this talk on marriage by Francis Chan that really rocked me: Don't Focus on the Family. 

My husband, Jon, sent me the link last month and told me he thought it would help me understand his view of marriage better. I was initially pumped because after 2 years of marriage and being a pastor's wife, I was longing to focus more on our relationship - on us. Jon had started pastoring The Trent Gathering two weeks after we were married in January 2011, and it had been 2 difficult years. So I did a double take when I read the title of this youtube video in early February. My heart initially skipped a beat I think! Don't focus on the family? What was that about? It ran against the grain of what I thought the title of a Christian talk on marriage should be. And I thought to myself, "What's Jon thinking? This can't possibly be helpful for where we are at because what we NEED is to focus on our marriage!!" But as I listened to it, something stirred inside me. The thrust of Chan's message is that marriage is about being on a mission together to make disciples of Christ, and I found his words compelling and challenging. Looking back, I think it was a turning point for me.

There is a balance to be found, to be sure, when it comes to focusing on the family. Many marriages have been train-wrecked and children damaged because of misplaced priorities. I'm certainly not advocating that intimacy between a husband and wife should be ignored, nor that investing deeply in our children be pushed aside for the sake of ministry. Jon and I are definitely still working on balancing the demands of ministry with investing in our relationship, especially since we never had the foundational years that many couples have before taking on a full-time ministry position. But something about Chan's message was crucial for me to hear, and I think that today God is helping me understand and articulate some what He has been doing in my heart for the past 2 years.

A sweet friend of mine just gave me a book called The Church Planting Wife: Help and Hope for Her Heart , and as I was reading it today I felt as if Christine Hoover, the author, was putting the last 2 years of my life into words in a way that I have never been able to. Here are some excerpts that accurately describe what I have felt and how I have responded to the challenges of "church-planting" over the last 2 years:

Nothing in my life goes untouched by my husband's calling. I find it challenging to describe in detail how this work affects deep regions of my heart or even to understand it myself, both the joys of seeing God change lives through our work and the struggles of bitter disappointments and personal failures.... If I'm not careful, the nature of this calling can create in me a sense of self-focus, self-pity or isolation. Or I feel misunderstood and long for the rhythms of a "normal" life... 

I longed... especially for God to make things easier and more comfortable for us.... 

I began putting undue pressure on Kyle because I was emotionally fragile, uncertain of my role, and lonely. Church planting was proving harder than I had originally expected.... I mourned the change and what it required of me: more sacrifice, less of my husband, more uncertainty... In my emotional need, I wanted my husband's full attention, but, tasked with a great responsibility, he had so little to give me. I grew disillusioned - with ministry, with church planting, and with marriage. I dwelled there, feeding my sinful thoughts... What if I hadn't married someone in the ministry? What would it hurt to just give up?

I had entered church planting with a firm faith, but because I didn't closely guard my heart, because I listened to those little poisonous whispers, I forgot that God loved me and I doubted His provision. Resentful, my heart hardened toward Kyle and toward God. My unwillingness to submit to the Lord and accept His good purposes for me made it all the more difficult to heart His voice or receive His comfort. 

God allowed the difficulty of church planting to sift me, to bring the issues of my heart to the surface. I realized that if I didn't address these things, my marriage, my family and my own heart were in danger. God was refining me, cleaning me out, and teaching me dependence rather than self-reliance. 

I think when I listened to that Francis Chan talk, I began to realize that the solution to the weariness I felt as a pastor's wife was not to quit ministry and just give up. Nor was the answer to put more pressure on Jon to give me more of his attention and complain about our marriage and the demands of ministry, as I had been doing. I was reminded that Jon and I are called to be on mission together to make disciples - and that's a joyful thing, even though it involves sacrifice and difficulties. I started to understand that the solution wasn't to swing from being overly ministry-focused to being overly marriage-focused, as I had been hoping we would.
  
I am also realizing that I haven't really thought much over the last 2 years about the reality of spiritual warfare. I haven't recognized that the enemy of God has been challenging my heart's devotion and stirring up fear in my soul. Instead, up until recently, I have been building up resentment towards Jon and hardening my heart towards God and His good purposes for me, without even realizing. It was only at the beginning of this year that I actually made a conscious decision to support Jon and stop fighting against and questioning this calling on his life - on our lives - every time it gets hard. Something about Lisa Chan's words quoted by her husband made my heart twist inside me when I heard them. When Francis told her what he felt God calling him to, she said, "If you believe this is what God's called you to do, this is why I married you. I believe you're going to lead me to wherever God wants us to go. And if that's what you believe God has called us to, then I support you 100%". I remember looking at Jon in February with a pained expression on my face because I knew that I hadn't supported him like that for the last 2 years of marriage and ministry... but I wanted to. I still want to. I want to hope in God and not give way to fear. I want to listen to the whisper of God instead of the enemy's lies. I want to trust Him to lead Jon, and follow Jon's lead. I want to trust the Lord with my heart and let Him do - through church leadership - the work He needs to do in me. 
 
In year 3 of our marriage and year 3 of Jon pastoring The Gathering, I am starting to see how God has allowed the difficulty of ministry to sift me, to refine me, to clean me out, and I am beginning to accept His good purposes for me. It's funny how, as I've started to submit to Him more in this area, I've already seen such a change in our marriage. Jon and I are closer now than we've ever been. We're growing individually and together, and I have hope that God is refining us and teaching us lessons now that will enable us to finish well, not only in our marriage, but also in our faithfulness to the mission of God on this earth - making disciples of all nations. I want Jon and I both to be able to say at the end of this life, as Paul did, "I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith" (2 Tim 4:7) and to hear God say, "Well done good and faithful servant" (Matt 25:23).