I read this blog post by Ann Voskamp last month, on Tuesday, June 18th, shortly after my last conversation with the adoption worker, and it spoke right to my soul: Why you are where you are: For such a time as this.
The part that I copied into my journal that day reads:
"You are where you are for such a time as this - not to gain anything - but to risk everything.... You could have been the one born into a slum, raped without a hope, you could be the one born into AIDS, into starvation, into lives of wild Christ-less desperation. The reason you are inside the gate for such a time as this - is to risk your life for those outside the gate. If I perish, I perish."
And my written out thoughts to God as He spoke to my heart were as follows:
Adopting a child age 5,6, or 7 could be so risky. I've been weighing it up since talking to the adoption worker on the phone last week. Could I handle being an instant parent to a 7 year old? All those missed years? Not knowing what kind of child he will be, what kind of baggage he has, how the trauma of his early years has affected him? Do I have what it takes to be a Mom when I've missed all those bonding baby years? Do I die on the "I-want-our-first-child-to-be-a-baby/toddler" hill? More and more I am sensing that Your answer to that question is, "NO."
What if I'm where I am not to gain anything but to risk everything? What if the doors to adopting a baby or toddler are closing because our child/children are older? The older they are the riskier it is, and the harder it will probably be as a parent. But what if this is where we find ourselves in the adoption process for such a time as this? Not to gain anything, but to risk everything? What if I trust Your sovereignty and providence in guiding us to our children more than I trust our influence over them starting earlier? What if I trust Your saving grace and transforming power more than I fear the effects of sin and the enemy's schemes? What if the reason I am inside the gate, adopted into Your family, for such a time as this, is to risk my life (including my comfort and happiness and pain-free existence) for those outside the gate - for children living in Christ-less desperation? What if my approach to adoption and having children in general could be, "If I perish, I perish." ?
It's been over a month since that journal entry and as Jon and I have talked and prayed about it, God has been driving this home in my heart.
I recently finished reading the book "Reckless Abandon" by David Sitton, which is all about the author's life spent taking the good news of Jesus to people who have never heard. It was amazing. Not only did it rock me in terms of stirring up passion in me to see the gospel proclaimed to the unreached, but it also reminded me (again!) that the call to follow Jesus is not a call to comfort and security and self-protection. It's a call to die daily and lose my life, not to hold on to it. Jesus said, "Whoever tries to make his life secure will lose it, and whoever loses his life will preserve it" (Luke 17:33).
Maybe one of the ways that God is calling me to lose my life for him is by adopting older children and embracing all of the risks that could involve. It could turn out great and our kids could love Jesus and love us and we could be a wonderful happy family. But there are no guarantees of that, and I can't be idealistic. I've been turning over "worst case scenarios" in my head for a while now - I have read widely and heard many horror stories about adoption as well to help me be "realistic" - but in the end it has boiled down to what David Sitton titled the last chapter of his book: JESUS IS WORTH IT! If our kids end up rebelling and they break our hearts, and if parenting is excruciatingly difficult every day, I will be sharing in the sufferings of Christ, and I trust that I will find joy in Him even when it hurts. Jesus loved me when I was His enemy and spat in His face, so He can give me grace to love our kids even if they are resistant and difficult. I like how Ann Voskamp said it in her blog post on May 2nd:
Sometimes you can only be an optimist when you have a plan for the pessimist in you. So, you play out the law of Worst Case Scenario: What is the worst thing that could possibly happen?
And there aren’t wolves, trouble, kids, hatred, debts, messes, betrayal, teenagers, disease, lack, hard times, untruths, diagnoses, or disappointment that can possibly separate you from the love of God. Nothing can separate you from Him.
So the Worst Case Scenario? Is only the scenario of not wanting Christ the most.
So the Worst Case Scenario — is only a possible scenario if you want something more than Christ.
If you want Christ the most — there is no worst case scenario.
Live and He’s using everything to shape you more into Christ and abundant life in Him.
Die and you have eternal life in Him.
Abundant life versus eternal life — it’s impossible to lose!
You can’t lose.
When you have a plan in place for the worst — you never go to the the place of worry. And the plan for when all hell breaks loose is that Christ’s already broken the power of hell and to live is Christ and to die is gain (Philippians 1:21), so the plan is always joy.
I LOVED that blog post!
So, in the end, as I've thought this whole adoption thing through, I've concluded that there is no worst case scenario. If I want Christ the most, then there is no worst case scenario. I know deep down that I do want Him the most, and I will remind myself over and over, when I start to forget, that He is enough and He is worth it.
I don't know how God is calling you to lose your life today, but I pray that some of what God is showing me might encourage you as well. Jesus is worth it! And the worst case scenario is only possible if we want something more than Him. May the Holy Spirit enable us to take up our crosses and joyfully say, as Queen Esther did, "If I perish, I perish".
