Flowers in a Bucket

Every year I tell myself that I'm not that big on Valentines Day... that it's just an overly commercialized day businesses make the most of by trying to get people to spend unnecessary money, but it's really just like any other day and not a big deal. Who am I kidding though? Every year I'm thrilled when Jon and I do something special, and deep down I think I'd be kinda sad if we didn't!

This year we had dinner reservations at a nice restaurant at 6:30pm and I was beyond thrilled. I thought that was our gift to each other and didn't expect anything else, but when I went to get dressed up for our date and opened the door of our bedroom, I was greeted by a dozen beautiful orange roses (I have never seen roses in that colour before!) in a Home Depot bucket, with a small envelope in front of them on the floor that read "For my Valentine". Needless to say my heart melted!

 
My husband is a poet. Unfortunately though, his poetry was a bit lost on me this time! I read his poetic words on the tiny card and ran upstairs to give him a kiss, chuckling about the fact that he put them in a Home Depot bucket. I told him I thought that was funny and cute, and he said "Do you get it?" I was like "Get it?" He went on to tell me that the Home Depot bucket was intentional and I should read the card again. So I did. And I still didn't get it. O dear. So he explained.

What do you think of when you think "Home Depot?" Construction. Hard work. Building something. He had written out two quotes on the card:

It is not the love that sustains the covenant, but the covenant that sustains the love - D. Bonhoeffer
                                             
The ground of promise is the soil in which the flower of love grows - J. Piper 

So the Home Depot bucket was symbolic of the covenant or the "hard work" of committed love, in which the beautiful flowers of romantic love, including feelings, grow. The rest of the card went on to express his commitment to honoring forever the covenant we made with one another on January 2, 2011. I loved it.

Yet for the whole day yesterday,  as I looked at my roses sitting in their Home Depot bucket and read and re-read the card a billion times, I had unsettled feelings about Jonny's words, and I couldn't figure out why... until now.

As much as I know it is true that feelings are not the basis of marital love, part of me has totally bought into Hollywood's depiction of love. I know from experience, from reading the Bible and other solid books, and from talking to others, that the feelings come and go and that they can't be the foundation of our marriage, but sometimes I still want them to be. The concepts of covenant and commitment seem so unromantic at times and I wish we could always FEEL head over heels and giddy! As I was trying to process how on earth I could actually be bothered about Jon's sweet surprise gift and his promise to honor the covenant we made when it's easy and when it's hard, I realized that the problem is that I think far too highly of myself. Let me explain what I mean.

I like to think that I am easy to love.... to imagine that Jon will feel those "can't eat, can't sleep, reach for the stars, over the fence, world series" kind of feelings (quote from the movie "It Takes Two") for me all the time because I'm so awesome and he can't help himself. So when I thought more deeply about the gift and card he gave me on Thursday, I began to get a little disconcerted. Shouldn't it just come easy for him to have the gushy feelings of love for me? Am I hard to love? (I know, way to put a negative spin on something great. My battle against pessimism and negativity will be a post for another day!) But then I thought, you know what, the truth is I am hard to love sometimes. And heck, sometimes I don't have mushy gushy feelings either! Sometimes it doesn't come easy. It's not like the movies at all. Feelings ebb and flow, like the tide. I just need to accept that reality instead of fighting it. Because focusing on the feelings isn't actually what makes them flourish! It's the hard work of commitment, it's the promise we've made to stick with each other and love each other in action that makes those beautiful flowers grow.

Funnily enough, I heard the song "Hard to Love" by Lee Brice on Thursday, and it kept coming back to me all day on Friday as I was wrestling through these thoughts. The chorus says:

I'm hard to love, hard to love
I don't make it easy
I couldn't do it if I stood where you stood
I'm hard to love hard to love
But you say that you need me
I don't deserve it
But I love that you love me good

I'm still a sucker for romantic feelings. But I'm so thankful for the reminder from Jon that our love is more than fleeting feelings.... that he's committed to me for the long haul and isn't going to bail on the days when I'm hard to love. It was good to recognize my pride and the fact that I was thinking more highly of myself than I ought to. Neither Jon nor God love me because I'm so awesome and I deserve it. They love me unconditionally, when I least deserve it. And that is deeper and truer and better than Hollywood love any day!

Thanks Jonny. I love that you and Jesus love me good! Thanks for imaging His love to me, and for reminding me how beautiful the ground (or bucket) of promise is! We can't have the flower of love without the soil in which it grows.

For Christians, suffering is labour pain

I'm on a girls' retreat this weekend with 2 of my friends from university and the rest, relaxation and reflection at this gorgeous retreat centre (http://www.kingfisherbay.ca/) has been great so far. As we were walking this afternoon on the snow-covered trails, we talked about what we're learning from God lately, and one of them shared an analogy/metaphor from Henri Nouwen that I thought was just beautiful:

“Something new will be born out of the pain. Jesus calls our pains ‘labour pains’.” (Henri Nouwen)

It made me think of that verse from Romans 8:28:- "We know that all things work together for the good of those who love God: those who are called according to His purpose". Every painful situation in our lives will birth something beautiful, because God promises to work all things together for good. For Christians, suffering is labour pain. How encouraging and hopeful!

Even thinking about the big winter storm that caused us to postpone our trip fits with these thoughts. Yesterday it snowed and snowed and snowed and we couldn't come to Kingfisher last night as we planned. But today, when we finally arrived, the sun was out and something beautiful was birthed through the blizzard.... beautiful snow covered trees and glistening snowy trails.... something new was born in the storm.

“Our glory is hidden in our pain, if we allow God to bring the gift of Himself in our experience of it. If we turn to God, not rebelling against our hurt, we let God transform it into greater good.” (Henri Nouwen)

Changed by Love

The truth in these lyrics has been comforting to me this week, so I thought I'd share the link. I had another week of eye-opening, increasing awareness of my sinfulness. Maybe it's the busyness and pressure of this season that's causing all the sin in me to rise to the surface, but seriously it's like I'm seeing one thing after the next.

This morning when our awesome worship leader, DJ, had us put our names in the place of "love" for those verses from 1 Corinthians 13:4-7, I just cringed inwardly:

Mel is patient and kind; she does not envy or boast; Mel is not arrogant or rude; she is not irritable or resentful; she does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Mel bares all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.

Eeeek. I was so relieved when DJ said that she also felt that she was lying to put her name in there! How I wish those things were true of me, but I know, even just looking back at this week, that those verses do not describe me. I don't love like that a lot of the time.

Yet today, after an awesome time gathering around the Gospel with our church family, I am encouraged that this kind of love does exist, even though mine falls so short of it. Our God loves His children like this - with a love that never ends (1 Cor 13:8).

I am so glad that the Gospel frees me to admit how bad I am and acknowledge the full extent of my sinfulness. So often I am tempted to minimize my sin or excuse it, so that I can somehow feel worthy of God's acceptance. But I was reminded this week, through this song, and then today through the sermon on Luke 6:27-36, that  God loves me even with all of my crap and the besetting sins that I struggle to kill. He loves His enemies. He's not waiting till I change to love me. He loves me now. And it's actually His love that does the changing in me. My heart is beginning to rejoice again tonight in the truth that God doesn't wait till I'm a saint to love me! But while I was still a sinner, Christ died for me. Though I was His enemy, He made me His friend, through the blood of Jesus. Not because of anything I did. Not because I changed enough to earn His love... but just because of His grace and love extended to me, in Christ. Jesus is Love personified. He epitomizes the love that 1 Corinthians 13:4-8 speaks of. I am only accepted because of Jesus' perfect life, lived on my behalf, and His death on the cross, in my place.

Now sanctification - this process of dying to my sin - is me living out more and more who God has already declared me to be, in Christ. I've been adopted into His family and He's never going to send me back to the orphanage. I will always be His child, so I don't need to fear. His love never fails, never gives up, never runs out on me. He says that I am His, and then changes me so I live more and more in that reality.

As Christians, we're not people who are trying to change to earn God's acceptance. Rather, we're people who are first loved by God and then changed by Love.

And on and on and on and on it goes. It overwhelms and satisfies my soul. And I never ever have to be afraid.'Cause this one thing remains. Your love never  fails, it never gives up, it never runs out on me! 

Thank You Jesus.