Lessons From The Hobbit

On Friday night Jon and I had a lovely dinner and movie-night with the other two Gathering Elders and their wives. It was so nice to spend time together over good food and then to watch a good movie. We watched The Hobbit, and it was the second time I had seen it. I was so excited to watch it again because my first viewing of it in theaters on December 18th, 2012, had been quite a profound experience. I told a few people after watching it that I believed God had used it to speak to me. It seems strange to think that God would use a movie to convict and encourage me; but as I watched it again on Friday night and reflected on what I had felt and heard (from God) the first time, I knew that back in December He had been speaking to me in a profound way. I don't think I would have got that much from certain parts of the movie if He had not been using it to speak to my heart. Thinking about it afresh on Friday, I was still somewhat surprised at the idea that the God of the Universe would speak to me through a movie - that He would speak at all is such amazing grace -yet, I believe He did.

I wrote an entry in my journal the day after I watched The Hobbit in theaters, and I think I will share it today, since it fits well with last week's blog post. In December, 2012, I was really struggling with being a Pastor's wife. I was tired of ministry and in the heat of a lot of those feelings that Christine Hoover articulates so well in the excerpts I typed out from her book, The Church Planting Wife. I thought that the short talk on marriage by Francis Chan was the turning point for me in February of this year, but as I re-read this journal entry, I realized that God was working in me even earlier than that, cultivating in me a willing heart that would joyfully say "yes" to Him, even in the heat of difficulties. So here's some of what the Lord graciously spoke to my heart through The Hobbit, taken straight from my journal, which is written as a prayer to Him:

December 19th, 2012

The Hobbit was awesome last night! I felt too sheepish to tell everyone what my favourite scene was when they were all sharing theirs because it was kind of strange the part that jumped out at me. I felt like You really used it to speak to where I'm at right now. 

It was the whole scene where the dwarves came and essentially took over Bilbo's house. Bilbo lived such a quiet, simple life and wanted it to stay that way. But in came Gandalf and 13 dwarves and they ate all of Bilbo's food and messed up his entire house! Bilbo was running around trying to rescue tomatoes and doilies and plates from the rough and rowdy dwarves and getting himself into a frenzy. Reminded me of myself - how quickly I get myself into a frenzy over cleaning and cooking and all that needs to be done. I want things to go the way I want and I don't like interruptions to my plans. 

Bilbo was called to a part of the mission to reclaim the dwarves' homeland, but he was convinced that Gandalf had chosen the wrong hobbit. All he wanted was peace and quiet and comfort. And sadly, that's often all I want too. A quiet, empty house... to sit and eat dinner with Jonny every night and read and chill and relax. I actually told Jonny out loud this week that sometimes I feel as if You've cheated us by not letting us have the quiet, foundational years that most young couples have after getting married. With Jon starting full-time ministry right after our wedding, we hit the ground running trying to figure out work-life balance and priorities when ministry is a lifestyle job - very difficult. Sometimes I wish we just had normal 9-4 jobs and came home to each other and had no other responsibilities.... that we could hang out every evening and do things we enjoy... and have friends over occasionally... just a simple, quiet, keep-to-oursleves life. I see others who do that, and a part of me envies their lives of private piety. They don't seem to feel the same burden of responsibility that Jon and I do... maybe they have a different calling? 

When Bilbo woke up in his home the morning after he refused to be part of the mission, his house had been all tidied up! The sun was streaming in his window, everything was in its correct place again, and there was peace and beautiful quiet in his hobbit hole. Gandalf and the dwarves were gone... it was as if the previous night had been a dream... except for the contract lying on his table, with the blank line waiting for Bilbo's signature. Standing in his hobbit hole, with everything exactly as he wanted it to be, something stirred in Bilbo. And I found THIS to be the most compelling part of the whole movie. In that moment I believe Bilbo realized that his desire to say "yes" to his calling ran even deeper than his desires for peace and quiet and comfort. 

As he sprinted to catch up with Gandalf and the dwarves, he ran past countless hobbit holes with hobbit families who would continue in their quiet, peaceful lives, tending gardens, making ale, raising hobbit babies... and he ran, not knowing if this mission would cost him his life, if he would ever see his home again, or if his desires for simplicity and comfort would ever be realized... yet he ran because he was called to be a part of something bigger than himself. He had a role to play in a great story. 

I know that even if I woke up to everything 'as it should be' like Bilbo did that morning, there is a desire that runs deeper in my heart - the desire to say "yes" to You - whatever that means. When I look back at the last almost 2 years of mine and Jonny's marriage, I can't say I would do anything differently. I complain about wanting simplicity and more time to focus on us and our marriage, but I know that those desires are second to my desire to say "yes" to You. 

We are currently in a war and part of that "yes" means fighting. There is a mission to be accomplished. The Kingdom has come already, but it's still not yet. There is much to be done. Someday we will put up our feet and rest from our labours (Revelation 14:13), but that day is not today. Like the dwarves, there are countless 'homeless' people in need of help... and there is an evil dragon, along with his dark forces, seeking to steal, kill and destroy the lives of men. I can't just hunker down in my comfy hobbit hole when I am called to be a part of THE Great Story that is unfolding. I must die to myself and these lesser desires. I must proclaim the eternal gospel that Revelation 14:6-7 speaks of. I must worship the Maker of Heaven and Earth and really love Him... and I must love my neighbour. What else can my response be to the One who was slaughtered to purchase me for God by His blood (Revelation 5:9)? I must serve His Body and support Jonny to shepherd His flock, even when that's hard. 

Forgive me for being so focused on my own comfort... for being selfish... for looking at the lives of others with envy. I want to say "yes" to You... to follow You in the way You've ordained and pre-destined for me to. You are sovereign and You have brought us to this moment and place in time. Help me to embrace each step from You as part of the journey, even when it's unexpected. Thank You for speaking to me and calling me. Please give me endurance I pray.

Therefore, since we also have such a large cloud of witnesses surrounding us, let us lay aside every weight and the sin that so easily ensnares us. Let us run with endurance the race that lies before us, keeping our eyes on Jesus, the Source and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy that lay before Him endured a cross and despised the shame and has sat down at the right hand of God's throne. For consider Him who endured such hostility from sinners against Himself, so that you won't grow weary and lose heart. (Hebrews 12:1-3)


 

 

 

Marriage on a Mission

About a month ago I listened to this talk on marriage by Francis Chan that really rocked me: Don't Focus on the Family. 

My husband, Jon, sent me the link last month and told me he thought it would help me understand his view of marriage better. I was initially pumped because after 2 years of marriage and being a pastor's wife, I was longing to focus more on our relationship - on us. Jon had started pastoring The Trent Gathering two weeks after we were married in January 2011, and it had been 2 difficult years. So I did a double take when I read the title of this youtube video in early February. My heart initially skipped a beat I think! Don't focus on the family? What was that about? It ran against the grain of what I thought the title of a Christian talk on marriage should be. And I thought to myself, "What's Jon thinking? This can't possibly be helpful for where we are at because what we NEED is to focus on our marriage!!" But as I listened to it, something stirred inside me. The thrust of Chan's message is that marriage is about being on a mission together to make disciples of Christ, and I found his words compelling and challenging. Looking back, I think it was a turning point for me.

There is a balance to be found, to be sure, when it comes to focusing on the family. Many marriages have been train-wrecked and children damaged because of misplaced priorities. I'm certainly not advocating that intimacy between a husband and wife should be ignored, nor that investing deeply in our children be pushed aside for the sake of ministry. Jon and I are definitely still working on balancing the demands of ministry with investing in our relationship, especially since we never had the foundational years that many couples have before taking on a full-time ministry position. But something about Chan's message was crucial for me to hear, and I think that today God is helping me understand and articulate some what He has been doing in my heart for the past 2 years.

A sweet friend of mine just gave me a book called The Church Planting Wife: Help and Hope for Her Heart , and as I was reading it today I felt as if Christine Hoover, the author, was putting the last 2 years of my life into words in a way that I have never been able to. Here are some excerpts that accurately describe what I have felt and how I have responded to the challenges of "church-planting" over the last 2 years:

Nothing in my life goes untouched by my husband's calling. I find it challenging to describe in detail how this work affects deep regions of my heart or even to understand it myself, both the joys of seeing God change lives through our work and the struggles of bitter disappointments and personal failures.... If I'm not careful, the nature of this calling can create in me a sense of self-focus, self-pity or isolation. Or I feel misunderstood and long for the rhythms of a "normal" life... 

I longed... especially for God to make things easier and more comfortable for us.... 

I began putting undue pressure on Kyle because I was emotionally fragile, uncertain of my role, and lonely. Church planting was proving harder than I had originally expected.... I mourned the change and what it required of me: more sacrifice, less of my husband, more uncertainty... In my emotional need, I wanted my husband's full attention, but, tasked with a great responsibility, he had so little to give me. I grew disillusioned - with ministry, with church planting, and with marriage. I dwelled there, feeding my sinful thoughts... What if I hadn't married someone in the ministry? What would it hurt to just give up?

I had entered church planting with a firm faith, but because I didn't closely guard my heart, because I listened to those little poisonous whispers, I forgot that God loved me and I doubted His provision. Resentful, my heart hardened toward Kyle and toward God. My unwillingness to submit to the Lord and accept His good purposes for me made it all the more difficult to heart His voice or receive His comfort. 

God allowed the difficulty of church planting to sift me, to bring the issues of my heart to the surface. I realized that if I didn't address these things, my marriage, my family and my own heart were in danger. God was refining me, cleaning me out, and teaching me dependence rather than self-reliance. 

I think when I listened to that Francis Chan talk, I began to realize that the solution to the weariness I felt as a pastor's wife was not to quit ministry and just give up. Nor was the answer to put more pressure on Jon to give me more of his attention and complain about our marriage and the demands of ministry, as I had been doing. I was reminded that Jon and I are called to be on mission together to make disciples - and that's a joyful thing, even though it involves sacrifice and difficulties. I started to understand that the solution wasn't to swing from being overly ministry-focused to being overly marriage-focused, as I had been hoping we would.
  
I am also realizing that I haven't really thought much over the last 2 years about the reality of spiritual warfare. I haven't recognized that the enemy of God has been challenging my heart's devotion and stirring up fear in my soul. Instead, up until recently, I have been building up resentment towards Jon and hardening my heart towards God and His good purposes for me, without even realizing. It was only at the beginning of this year that I actually made a conscious decision to support Jon and stop fighting against and questioning this calling on his life - on our lives - every time it gets hard. Something about Lisa Chan's words quoted by her husband made my heart twist inside me when I heard them. When Francis told her what he felt God calling him to, she said, "If you believe this is what God's called you to do, this is why I married you. I believe you're going to lead me to wherever God wants us to go. And if that's what you believe God has called us to, then I support you 100%". I remember looking at Jon in February with a pained expression on my face because I knew that I hadn't supported him like that for the last 2 years of marriage and ministry... but I wanted to. I still want to. I want to hope in God and not give way to fear. I want to listen to the whisper of God instead of the enemy's lies. I want to trust Him to lead Jon, and follow Jon's lead. I want to trust the Lord with my heart and let Him do - through church leadership - the work He needs to do in me. 
 
In year 3 of our marriage and year 3 of Jon pastoring The Gathering, I am starting to see how God has allowed the difficulty of ministry to sift me, to refine me, to clean me out, and I am beginning to accept His good purposes for me. It's funny how, as I've started to submit to Him more in this area, I've already seen such a change in our marriage. Jon and I are closer now than we've ever been. We're growing individually and together, and I have hope that God is refining us and teaching us lessons now that will enable us to finish well, not only in our marriage, but also in our faithfulness to the mission of God on this earth - making disciples of all nations. I want Jon and I both to be able to say at the end of this life, as Paul did, "I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith" (2 Tim 4:7) and to hear God say, "Well done good and faithful servant" (Matt 25:23).