What I Wish I Could Say to the Gay Community - Response to "Same Love"

Last Saturday as I was driving back from Kingston to Peterborough, I found myself almost falling asleep at the wheel! So I stopped for a coffee, jumped back in the car, rolled down the windows, and tried to find an up-beat radio station. I stopped at Fresh 95.3 FM, finding a song at the desired tempo, cranking up the volume, now sufficiently awake to make it home. I can't even remember the name of the up-beat song that helped wake me up, but the song that came next stuck with me and had me thinking and praying all the way home. It was the first time I'd ever heard "Same Love" by Maclemore and Ryan Lewis, featuring Mary Lambert, and it moved me deeply. You can have a listen at this link if you like: Same Love, or read the lyrics here: "Same Love" lyrics.

In summary, the song is about what many would term "gay rights" issues. It speaks out against the homophobia of the hip-hop industry and against the idea he says is held by "right wing conservatives" that homosexuality is simply "a decision" that can be "cured with some treatment and religion". The chorus, sung by Mary Lambert, reads:

And I can't change
Even if I tried
Even if I wanted to
And I can't change
Even if I tried
Even if I wanted to
My love
My love
My love
She keeps me warm
She keeps me warm
She keeps me warm
She keeps me warm

As I listened, tears came to my eyes and my heart hurt. I had so much that I felt I wanted to say to the gay community in Peterborough, Barbados, Canada, and the world, in response to this song. Here's my attempt at articulating some of the things I wish I could say:

1. I'm sorry that I used to be one of those people who said that homosexuality was only a decision, and that people could just simply choose not to be homosexuals. I know now that some people are born with a predisposition to be attracted to the same sex, and I am so sorry for my pride and my lack of compassion for so many years. Please forgive me.
   
2. I am so sorry for the homophobia you have had to endure - people calling you names and saying hateful things, ostracizing you, acting like homosexuality is the one unpardonable sin. This is so wrong there aren't even words for it.
   
3. I know now that you can't change your sexual predisposition, even if you wanted to, even if you tried, like "Same Love" says. That chorus rang so true to me, not just in regard to homosexuality, but for me as a heterosexual sinner. I can't change, even if I tried, even if I wanted to. That's why I need a Saviour. Only Jesus can save us from our sinful selves and change us from the inside out.
   
4. If I really and truly love you, I can't say "live on and be yourself" - not to the gay community, nor to the heterosexual community - because that "book written 3500 years ago" is actually the inspired Word of God, and I am not paraphrasing when I quote 1 Corinthians 6:9-11 :- Do you not know that the unrighteous will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived: neither the sexually immoral, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor men who practice homosexuality,¹⁰ nor thieves, nor the greedy, nor drunkards, nor revilers, nor swindlers will inherit the kingdom of God. ¹¹ And such were some of you. But you were washed, you were sanctified, you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and by the Spirit of our God.
   If I love you, I MUST tell you the truth. I am a sinner. You are a sinner. We are all unrighteous idolaters and we can't change ourselves. But the answer isn't to "live on and be yourself". No, the answer is to repent and believe in Jesus for the forgiveness of our sins! If you confess with your mouth that Jesus is Lord and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved (Romans 10:9).
   
   Trusting in Jesus means that we believe that He lived the perfect life we could never live, that He died in our place on the cross, bearing the punishment we deserved, and then He rose again, defeating sin and death forever! It means that we believe we are accepted by God on Jesus' merit, not our own, and then in response to His love and acceptance of us, while still sinners, we ask Him to change us from the inside out and we begin to turn from our sin (repent). We deny the sin that comes naturally to us, take up our crosses and follow Him (Luke 9:23).
   
   Trusting in Jesus doesn't mean I am instantly "cured" of my sin. I still have wrong desires, and so will my gay friends who are saved by His grace. But the solution isn't to just roll over, as this song suggests, and mislead people into thinking that this is "just who they are", end of story. I don't believe that the Christian community should pendulum-swing from that awful homophobic extreme to the other end where we say that gay "marriage" is something to be applauded and held up as perfectly normal and right, which is totally where this song (and the accompanying music video) goes. As hard as it may be for you to hear the truth, lying to you isn't loving you. Though this song ends repeating "Love is patient, love is kind" from 1 Corinthians 13:4, it conveniently leaves out verse 6 that follows saying, "Love does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth".
   
   In the words of an anonymous Christian lesbian (you can read the whole letter that she wrote to the Church here) that I read a few months ago: To those of you who would change the church to accept the gay community and its lifestyle: you give us no hope at all... You are willing to compromise the word of God to be politically correct. We are not deceived. If we accept your willingness to compromise, then we must also compromise. We must therefore accept your lying, your adultery, your lust, your idolatry, your addictions, YOUR sins....We do not ask for your acceptance of our sins any more than we accept yours. We simply ask for the same support, love, guidance, and most of all hope that is given to the rest of your congregation. We are your brothers and sisters in Christ. We are not what we shall be, but thank God, we are not what we were. Let us work together to see that we all arrive safely home. Amen, sister. Jesus is the only hope any of us have. But He is our Living Hope! As 1 Peter 1:3 says: Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! According to his great mercy, he has caused us to be born again to a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead.
   
5.   It is my prayer that God will help me show deep love and hold out true hope to all of you in the gay community.
   

With much love and prayers, 

Mel

 

 Some other helpful articles:
How can the Gospel be Good News to Gays? 
 Letter to a Struggling Gay Christian

Lessons From Gardening

I have always loved the idea of gardening - whether that involved growing flowers simply because they're beautiful, or vegetables that can actually become delectable creations for our dinner table! However, over the last few years I have come to realize that the idea of gardening and the experience of gardening are two COMPLETELY different things! And the reason for this can be summed up in one word: WEEDS! I think I had a fluffy notion that if I planted seeds in the ground and watered them, making sure they had enough sun, I would eventually enjoy a robust crop of vegetables or flowers. Oh how wrong I was! Maybe that's what it was like for Adam and Eve before the Fall, but on this side of Genesis 3, the ground is most certainly cursed and it produces a never-ending supply of thorns and thistles for me (Genesis 3:17-18)! I was thinking that gardening could become an enjoyable hobby for me, and maybe it still can, but it has proven to be more painful toil than I ever imagined it would! For the majority of this summer, I have tended my flower garden at the front of our house, and my veggie garden in the back, not for the enjoyment of the process, but more out of necessity (the weeds were starting to look awful at the front of our house, shrouding the beauty of the flowers, and the tomato plants in the back garden were being choked out!).

As I was weeding yesterday, I remembered how a friend of mine once said that gardening makes her think about all the Scriptural references to soil and seeds, and how God is the Great Gardener, and I decided to start thinking about that (since I wasn't really enjoying the process!). I couldn't believe how big the weeds had grown, and as I ripped them out one by one, I thought about my own heart and how quickly the weeds of sin grow there too. My husband, Jon, mentioned this week in a conversation with a couple we were counseling, the concept that everything tends toward chaos or disorder ... that everything in the world is unraveling since the Fall ... relationships, health, families, and even my garden! Without cultivation, everything comes apart. Thank God that there is a Saviour who redeems us from the mess we are in! That because of his perfect life lived for me, and His death in my place, I am rescued and being put back together, rather than coming apart more and more.

As I pulled the weeds out and threw them in our wheelbarrow yesterday, I pictured God ripping out the sinful weeds in my heart that seem to sprout up all the time. My heart is just like my garden - get rid of one weed, and then in a week or two another one's there. But I want to be ruthless with weeds - both in my garden and in my heart! The process sure isn't fun - who wants to bend down and pull up physical weeds till your back hurts, or do the introspection and hard work that turning from our sin requires? On the surface it's the last thing we want to do! But deep down, we know that it is worth it to press on. Regarding physical gardening, it's worth it when I pluck delicious cherry tomatoes right off the vine and enjoy them in a salad, or pull into my driveway and see a garden bed of happy-looking flowers smiling at me. And more importantly, regarding spiritual gardening, it's worth it to submit to the weeding of the Great Gardener because Jesus Himself is worth it. We died to sin and can no longer live in it (Romans 6:2). There's no other way to live as a Christian, but the way of repentance. We are not yet fully living in the reality of who we are as children of God, but we press on in response to all He has done for us (Phillipians 3). We press on to become who God has already declared us to be in Christ. Jesus died for us that we should no longer live for ourselves, but for Him who died and was raised (2 Cor 5:15). And this is the best and fullest life possible! God doesn't reveal our sin and root it out of us to make our lives suck! He does it for our good! Jesus came to rescue us from sin completely, that we might have life to the fullest (John 10:10). First He justifies us, forgiving us for our sins and making us right with Him. Then He sanctifies us, getting rid of sin in our lives and changing us (which is this weeding process that we're talking about). And finally, He glorifies us, freeing us from the works and effects of sin forever -  including our own entangling sins, the effects of others' sin on us and the pain and trouble caused by the world's unraveling. This is our glorious salvation!

1.     

One Day both my heart and my garden will produce weeds no more and I am STOKED for that Day! To be free of sin completely?! That seems too good to be true sometimes! But I know it is delightfully true! Maybe in that Day I will have a garden in heaven! Then it will be a real hobby with no painful toil! But, in the meantime, I will let the trials of gardening remind me that this redemption is already and not yet, and that in the narrow place in between, the Great Gardener is doing His work of sanctification in me. So I press on in hope till that great and glorious Day is here.

If I perish, I perish

For about a month now, I've been thinking and praying through the idea of adopting older children (ages 4 or older) instead of babies/toddlers. I've always pictured our first child being a baby or toddler, and for a long time I really wanted to have the experience of going through all the stages of childhood development, at least with our first child. However, after talking to some CAS adoption and foster care workers last month, it seems like the door may be closing on that for now.

I read this blog post by Ann Voskamp last month, on Tuesday, June 18th, shortly after my last conversation with the adoption worker, and it spoke right to my soul: Why you are where you are: For such a time as this.

The part that I copied into my journal that day reads:

"You are where you are for such a time as this - not to gain anything - but to risk everything.... You could have been the one born into a slum, raped without a hope, you could be the one born into AIDS, into starvation, into lives of wild Christ-less desperation. The reason you are inside the gate for such a time as this - is to risk your life for those outside the gate. If I perish, I perish."

 And my written out thoughts to God as He spoke to my heart were as follows:

Adopting a child age 5,6, or 7 could be so risky. I've been weighing it up since talking to the adoption worker on the phone last week. Could I handle being an instant parent to a 7 year old? All those missed years? Not knowing what kind of child he will be, what kind of baggage he has, how the trauma of his early years has affected him? Do I have what it takes to be a Mom when I've missed all those bonding baby years? Do I die on the "I-want-our-first-child-to-be-a-baby/toddler" hill? More and more I am sensing that Your answer to that question is, "NO." 

What if I'm where I am not to gain anything but to risk everything? What if the doors to adopting a baby or toddler are closing because our child/children are older? The older they are the riskier it is, and the harder it will probably be as a parent. But what if this is where we find ourselves in the adoption process for such a time as this? Not to gain anything, but to risk everything? What if I trust Your sovereignty and providence in guiding us to our children more than I trust our influence over them starting earlier? What if I trust Your saving grace and transforming power more than I fear the effects of sin and the enemy's schemes? What if the reason I am inside the gate, adopted into Your family, for such a time as this, is to risk my life (including my comfort and happiness and pain-free existence) for those outside the gate - for children living in Christ-less desperation? What if my approach to adoption and having children in general could be, "If I perish, I perish." ?

It's been over a month since that journal entry and as Jon and I have talked and prayed about it, God has been driving this home in my heart. 

I recently finished reading the book "Reckless Abandon" by David Sitton, which is all about the author's life spent taking the good news of Jesus to people who have never heard. It was amazing. Not only did it rock me in terms of stirring up passion in me to see the gospel proclaimed to the unreached, but it also reminded me (again!) that the call to follow Jesus is not a call to comfort and security and self-protection. It's a call to die daily and lose my life, not to hold on to it. Jesus said, "Whoever tries to make his life secure will lose it, and whoever loses his life will preserve it" (Luke 17:33).

Maybe one of the ways that God is calling me to lose my life for him is by adopting older children and embracing all of the risks that could involve. It could turn out great and our kids could love Jesus and love us and we could be a wonderful happy family. But there are no guarantees of that, and I can't be idealistic. I've been turning over "worst case scenarios" in my head for a while now - I have read widely and heard many horror stories about adoption as well to help me be "realistic" -  but in the end it has boiled down to what David Sitton titled the last chapter of his book: JESUS IS WORTH IT! If our kids end up rebelling and they break our hearts, and if parenting is excruciatingly difficult every day, I will be sharing in the sufferings of Christ, and I trust that I will find joy in Him even when it hurts. Jesus loved me when I was His enemy and spat in His face, so He can give me grace to love our kids even if they are resistant and difficult. I like how Ann Voskamp said it in her blog post on May 2nd:

Sometimes you can only be an optimist when you have a plan for the pessimist in you. So, you play out the law of Worst Case Scenario: What is the worst thing that could possibly happen? 

And there aren’t wolves, trouble, kids, hatred, debts, messes, betrayal, teenagers, disease, lack, hard times, untruths, diagnoses, or disappointment that can possibly separate you from the love of God. Nothing can separate you from Him. 

So the Worst Case Scenario? Is only the scenario of not wanting Christ the most. 

So the Worst Case Scenario — is only a possible scenario if you want something more than Christ.

If you want Christ the most — there is no worst case scenario.

Live and He’s using everything to shape you more into Christ and abundant life in Him.

Die and you have eternal life in Him.

Abundant life versus eternal life — it’s impossible to lose!

You can’t lose.

When you have a plan in place for the worst — you never go to the the place of worry. And the plan for when all hell breaks loose is that Christ’s already broken the power of hell and to live is Christ and to die is gain (Philippians 1:21), so the plan is always joy.

I LOVED that blog post!

So, in the end, as I've thought this whole adoption thing through, I've concluded that there is no worst case scenario. If I want Christ the most, then there is no worst case scenario. I know deep down that I do want Him the most, and I will remind myself over and over, when I start to forget, that He is enough and He is worth it.

I don't know how God is calling you to lose your life today, but I pray that some of what God is showing me might encourage you as well. Jesus is worth it! And the worst case scenario is only possible if we want something more than Him. May the Holy Spirit enable us to take up our crosses and joyfully say, as Queen Esther did, "If I perish, I perish".

Prayer I liked this week

I came across this prayer this week and thought I'd share it. It was in a book that I try to use daily as a starting point for prayer called "The Divine Hours - Prayers for Summertime". Something about it really resonated with where I'm at right now, trying to commune more with God moment by moment, in the midst of every day life, and accept and delight in His sovereignty in all things.

Most Gracious God and Father, You are with me as I make my journey throughout this day. Help me to to look lovingly upon all people and events that come into my life today and to walk gently upon this land. Grant this through Jesus, who lives and walks among us ever present at each moment.
 Amen.

 

Gospel Reminder From a 3 Year Old

Last week Jon and I had the privilege of babysitting one of my favourite kids in the world for 5 nights while his Mom was out of town - our godson, Nikolai. It was awesome and we had lots of fun, but by the last evening he was with us, I found myself exhausted. My normal quiet time routine of Bible reading and prayer had been almost non-existent for a few days, I was sleep deprived, feeling overwhelmed with the dishes piled high in the sink and laundry overflowing, thinking about another week of work beginning, and fighting off a migraine all at the same time. So, last Sunday afternoon, I was dragging myself around the kitchen trying to keep going with cleaning up and making dinner while Niko played on the floor with his cars (crashing them a little too loud for my migraine's liking!). All of a sudden, Niko looked up from playing and said, "Auntie Mel, are you happy?" I was a bit surprised by the question, and realized that I probably didn't look too happy as I shuffled around the kitchen with my head pounding, just wishing I could go to sleep, so I sighed and said, "O buddy, I should be, shouldn't I?" His response just about blew me away: "Don't worry Auntie Mel. I still love you. And God loves you." I dropped everything I was doing and spun around to look at him. I felt like crying and laughing at the same time! I went over and took his little face in my hands and thanked him for preaching the gospel to me (I'm sure he didn't understand all I was gushing to him in my emotion! haha). But I squeezed his little cheeks and said, "Yes, God loves me! Even when I'm grumpy - all the time! And that's such good news isn't it? Thanks for reminding me of that! That good news should make us so happy, shouldn't it bud?!" He looked at me like I was a little crazy and went back to playing cars, but I was blown away. Niko's question and following comment helped pull me back to what was most important in the midst of my self-focus.

Yet, I am sure that later that night I got distracted with insignificant things again, and failed to give glory to God moment by moment.  As Gloria Furman says in her book "Glimpses of Grace" that I am reading right now:

Oh how I would love to dwell on the great magnitude of the glory of God all day long. I would love for my soul to believe on the precious promises of God at all times. But the reality is that we live in a fallen world, and we are, indeed, still sinners. The centrality of "me" in our lives takes precedence over meditating on the grandeur of the Holy One... Walking with God in a world like this one can feel so complicated sometimes...

Seeing the brilliance of the cross and embracing its message are at the core of how God wants to work in our mundane to bring glory to Himself....

We need to remind ourselves to live in the reality of the gospel each day. But the practice of preaching the gospel to yourself doesn't mean that you just give yourself mini-sermons when you feel your faith wavering. No, it means that you see things as an opportunity to talk with God, talk about God, and receive wisdom from  the Bible throughout your day. 

She goes on to say that God wants more than for us to be happy about our life circumstances and have good attitudes when we're faced with the everyday frustrations of life. He wants us to be happy in Him, even when we have migraines, dishes piled high in the sink, frustrations at work, etc:

The source of our faith, hope, love, joy and gospel-grounded optimism is God himself and not our stuff or our circumstances. Isaiah 61:10 says, "I will greatly rejoice in the Lord; my soul shall exult in my God, for He has clothed me with the garments of salvation; He has covered me with the robe of righteousness...". 

I certainly don't have this all down yet! I feel like it's a constant struggle for me to keep my eyes on Jesus and rejoice in Him through the ups and downs of mundane, everyday life. But I can say heartily with the apostle Paul:

Not that I have already obtained this or am already perfect, but I press on to make it my own, because Christ Jesus has made me his own.... I do not consider that I have made it my own. But one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus. (Phlippians 3:12-14)

I'm thankful for that reminder from my sweet little godson last weekend, that Christ has made me his own - that God loves me and I am His. And because He has made me His own, I press on toward the goal of treasuring Christ in all things... moment by moment, day by day, week by week, month by month, year by year, until my life is through.

Dying to Truly Live

Last Saturday, I saw Jackie Pullinger's auto biography, "Chasing The Dragon" on my bookshelf and decided that I should try to finish it off. (I'm on a mission to finish off the plethora of books that I've partially read - I have a habit of reading too many at once!). I think it was God's providence that had me glimpse this particular book, because I had forgotten all about it, and it rocked me last Saturday. Reading about God's transforming power that changed so many 'hopeless' cases in Hong Kong reminded me that nothing is impossible with Him. No addiction or habitual sin is too big for God to break it. He is the Living God who saves.

I long for God's power to be at work in our church and city like this - transforming the 'hopeless' cases in Peterborough and building a real spiritual family. But the cost and the sacrifice required? Am I ready for that? What a radically sacrificial way of life Jackie walked out every day. What crazy love God gave her for the drug addicts that she called her 'boys'. What determination and perseverance. What a willingness to give up her own comfort. What an eternal perspective. And here I am, always thinking about carving out "me time" away from people and their needs, focused all too often on myself and my comfort, stressing off and on about how Jon and I are going to make ends meet this year. This part of the book made me cry when I read it. Jackie writes:

I knew God would provide for me, but as the family [made up of ex-heroine addicts, 5 homeless children, and others] in Lung Kung Road grew, I was amazed to see our income grow too. Ever since I had stopped teaching full-time I found that I received all I needed. I was able to pay for the rent, the Youth Club room, and my language lessons. Sometimes a cheque would arrive in the post. Sometimes a friend would give exactly the same amount that I had been praying for. When I wanted to buy a rubber boat for a swimming expedition with the boys, a friend sent the right sum from England without knowing the need. Now while we never had enough money to pay for the next week's food or rent, we always had enough for each day. This was exhilarating for the boys who felt they had a real part in God's work when they prayed each morning for their daily bread. Sometimes an anonymous sack of rice would appear on the doorstep...

Every Sunday after the morning meeting we invited many people to lunch with us all at Lung Kong Road. A number of guests needed the good meal, so it was sad when one Sunday I had to tell the boys that we had no money for food. 

"Boil the rice anyway and we'll pray for something to put on top," I said. Ten minutes before lunch, a panting and sweating visitor arrived carrying tins of food and fresh bean sprouts. His Kowloon Bible class had made a collection for us on the spur of the moment and sent him with their gifts. The young man, William, enjoyed being an answer to prayer just as much as the thirty of us enjoyed the huge meal only ten minutes later. It was an exciting way of life. 

I was so convicted reading that. How often I find myself with clenched fists, believing that I must hold onto myself and my things and my time and my desires to be happy, when the truth is that it is joy and life to give ourselves away! I want my ducks in a row so badly that I often refuse to trust God to provide. I have never had to live in day-to-day dependence on God financially, and I certainly wouldn't deem that an exciting way of life as Jackie does here! That would terrify me. And that fear is an indication of my idolatry - that I don't really trust God deep down, and that I am holding financial security up as one of my greatest needs. 

I was also convicted by the part where she said that they invited people over for lunch every Sunday. Sometimes I freak out about having people over because we're going over our monthly food budget to do it, but here Jackie invites THIRTY people over for food that they literally don't have the money for. They're not looking at just going over their food budget. They actually have only rice in the house and no money to buy anything else. And then God provides and they all eat and rejoice. What an exciting way of life for real! Why do I hold onto things so tightly when it is happy to let go?! Why do I think that being selfish will bring me joy? It never does. As that verse says, "unless a seed falls to the ground and dies, it remains a single seed. But if it dies, it produces many seeds" (Jn12:24). There is no happiness found in worshiping idols of security and comfort... holding onto myself and my possessions as if they aren't all God's anyway. Joy is found in taking up my cross and following Him.

This even applies to my perspective on hospitality and our home. At a ladies retreat I went to a few weekends ago, the speaker hit the nail on the head when she spoke about how many of us as women feel like our homes are extensions of ourselves. We believe that people form opinions of "the woman of the house" based on the state of the house, and that's why we don't like people dropping by unexpectedly. This is so true of me. Somewhere along the way, I've embraced the idea that I should only invite people into my home when I have everything perfectly together - a clean table cloth and beautiful place settings, an immaculate bathroom, and perfectly arranged throw-cushions, along with a delicious meal, not to mention desert! Christine Hoover in her book "The Church Planting Wife" says this:

Our culture's version of hospitality involves beautiful events with beautiful decor and beautiful people. It's too bad we often believe this is true hospitality and therefore don't invite others into our homes. When we don't practice hospitality regularly, we miss opportunities to hear people's stories, to be known, and to display and experience a tangible gospel. We miss opportunities for friendship.  

We miss these opportunities because we worry about the size of our space, the decor in our home, the cleanliness of the bathrooms, or our ability to cook. Hospitality is not about setting a scene or a table. It's about connecting over a meal and opening ourselves to relationships. It says: Here is my carpet covered in Cheerios, several invariably smashed. Here are the dirty dishes in the sink. Here is a pretty basic meal. Here are my rambunctious children. And here I am. You are welcome in my home and in my heart.

This verse from Proverbs really spoke to me this weekend and tied together what God has been doing in my heart since I read "Chasing the Dragon" last weekend:

A generous [woman] will prosper, [she] who refreshes others will [herself] be refreshed (Proverbs 11:25)

Now I don't think this verse is saying that it's a formula, like some kind of vending machine - pop in x and out will come y. I think it comes back to the fact that it is a joyful thing to give ourselves away. As I am generous with all that God has given me, recognizing that my home and money and food and time and everything isn't really mine to begin with, I find deep joy in sacrifice and letting go. Another quote from Christine Hoover says:

Although releasing control over our lives and living for the sake of others seems antithetical to our happiness, it is very much for our joy. Just after Jesus says that His followers must deny themselves, He tells them why: "For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me will save it" (Luke 9:24). While pride leads to misery and down fall, sacrifice is the very foundation of an abundant life.    

It's my prayer that God will help me to die to myself daily... that I would repent of pride and selfishness and idolatry, and live for Him who has given all for me.

Let me Not Forget to Tremble

Over the past few years the Bible has really started to come together for me in a new way. I have been a Christian since I was a little girl but, sadly, I wasn't confident that I had never read it all the way through until a few years ago. It was kind of disjointed for me - certain parts I knew better than others, and the Old Testament was very separate in my mind from the New Testament. I think that reading the Bible all the way through a few times, as well as chronologically, along with having good preaching and teaching at our church, has really helped me begin to see the Bible as one big Story and read it that way. More recently, I went to a session on the Old Testament that my friend, Mary Austin, taught to a group of us ladies, and it helped me understand the bigger picture even more, and how everything fits together. You can check out Mary Austin's awesome blog here (I love reading her thoughts and insights!).

And then, last weekend, Jon and I finished watching The Bible series on the History channel, and I found it to be amazing! I thought that, in spite of the fact that a lot of material was left out, it depicted the big picture of God's Story through history in a beautiful way. Even with the adaptations it makes to the Bible stories it recounts, I believe the program succeed in its endeavor to "stay true to the spirit of the book". Now I have images and scenes in my mind that bring the true events of the Old and New Testament to life in a different form. So many times I cried just watching God's Story unfold on the screen... seeing His grace extended to His people all through the Old Testament, and culminating with the Ultimate Gift of Jesus Christ.

Today as I was reading my Bible and spending time with God, I was overwhelmed by the "bigness" of this Story ... by the "bigness" of Him. Scenes from The Bible series kept coming back to me as I read God's Word and I felt so small in light of how big He is. As a girl, and as a teenager, I always knew the Good News that God came down and became a man to save His people from their sins (Matthew 1:21) - that He is "God with us" (Matthew 1:23). But today, as I read the Bible as One Story, I was reminded of the fact that God is so other than us at the same time - so holy and set apart. He is beyond us, transcendent, majestic, and above us. As I was sitting on my couch, in awe, this morning, this verse came back to me:

“Am I a God who is only near”—this is the Lord’s declaration—“and not a God who is far away? Can a man hide himself in secret places where I cannot see him?”—the Lord’s declaration. “Do I not fill the heavens and the earth?”—the Lord’s declaration.

(Jeremiah 23:23-24)

And along with it, this song by Paul Baloche jumped into my heart and then out of my mouth. It beautifully describes the paradox of our God who is simultaneously beyond us and within us, transcendent yet near us, revealed yet seen in part ... 
In light of how holy and big He is, it's mind boggling that He is still God with us! That He saves us and lives within us! 

As Nicole Nordeman says in her song Tremble, my prayer today was "Oh, let me not forget to tremble". The lyrics go like this:

Have I come too casually? 

Because it seems to me there's something I've neglected. 

How does one approach a Deity with informality and still protect the sacred? 

'Cause you came and chose to wear the skin of all of us, and it's easy to forget you left a throne. 

And the line gets blurry all the time 

Between daily and Divine 

It's hard to know the difference.

 

Oh let me not forget to tremble.

Oh let me not forget to tremble.

Face down on the ground do I dare to take the liberty to stare at You? 

Oh let me not forget to tremble. 

What a shame to think that I'd appear
Even slightly cavalier in the matter of salvation
Do I claim this gift You freely gave as if it were mine to take
With such little hesitation? 
'Cause you came and stood among the very least of us, and it's easy to forget you left a throne. 

The cradle of the grave could not contain Your Divinity
Neither can I oversimplify this love 

Oh let me not forget to tremble.... 


In light of the Almighty, Holy, Everlasting God and His extravagant grace to men, who are but dust (Psalm 103, Psalm 8), we should take Psalm 96:9 to heart:

Worship the Lord in the Splendor of His holiness; tremble before Him all the earth. (Psalm 96:9)

Lessons From The Hobbit

On Friday night Jon and I had a lovely dinner and movie-night with the other two Gathering Elders and their wives. It was so nice to spend time together over good food and then to watch a good movie. We watched The Hobbit, and it was the second time I had seen it. I was so excited to watch it again because my first viewing of it in theaters on December 18th, 2012, had been quite a profound experience. I told a few people after watching it that I believed God had used it to speak to me. It seems strange to think that God would use a movie to convict and encourage me; but as I watched it again on Friday night and reflected on what I had felt and heard (from God) the first time, I knew that back in December He had been speaking to me in a profound way. I don't think I would have got that much from certain parts of the movie if He had not been using it to speak to my heart. Thinking about it afresh on Friday, I was still somewhat surprised at the idea that the God of the Universe would speak to me through a movie - that He would speak at all is such amazing grace -yet, I believe He did.

I wrote an entry in my journal the day after I watched The Hobbit in theaters, and I think I will share it today, since it fits well with last week's blog post. In December, 2012, I was really struggling with being a Pastor's wife. I was tired of ministry and in the heat of a lot of those feelings that Christine Hoover articulates so well in the excerpts I typed out from her book, The Church Planting Wife. I thought that the short talk on marriage by Francis Chan was the turning point for me in February of this year, but as I re-read this journal entry, I realized that God was working in me even earlier than that, cultivating in me a willing heart that would joyfully say "yes" to Him, even in the heat of difficulties. So here's some of what the Lord graciously spoke to my heart through The Hobbit, taken straight from my journal, which is written as a prayer to Him:

December 19th, 2012

The Hobbit was awesome last night! I felt too sheepish to tell everyone what my favourite scene was when they were all sharing theirs because it was kind of strange the part that jumped out at me. I felt like You really used it to speak to where I'm at right now. 

It was the whole scene where the dwarves came and essentially took over Bilbo's house. Bilbo lived such a quiet, simple life and wanted it to stay that way. But in came Gandalf and 13 dwarves and they ate all of Bilbo's food and messed up his entire house! Bilbo was running around trying to rescue tomatoes and doilies and plates from the rough and rowdy dwarves and getting himself into a frenzy. Reminded me of myself - how quickly I get myself into a frenzy over cleaning and cooking and all that needs to be done. I want things to go the way I want and I don't like interruptions to my plans. 

Bilbo was called to a part of the mission to reclaim the dwarves' homeland, but he was convinced that Gandalf had chosen the wrong hobbit. All he wanted was peace and quiet and comfort. And sadly, that's often all I want too. A quiet, empty house... to sit and eat dinner with Jonny every night and read and chill and relax. I actually told Jonny out loud this week that sometimes I feel as if You've cheated us by not letting us have the quiet, foundational years that most young couples have after getting married. With Jon starting full-time ministry right after our wedding, we hit the ground running trying to figure out work-life balance and priorities when ministry is a lifestyle job - very difficult. Sometimes I wish we just had normal 9-4 jobs and came home to each other and had no other responsibilities.... that we could hang out every evening and do things we enjoy... and have friends over occasionally... just a simple, quiet, keep-to-oursleves life. I see others who do that, and a part of me envies their lives of private piety. They don't seem to feel the same burden of responsibility that Jon and I do... maybe they have a different calling? 

When Bilbo woke up in his home the morning after he refused to be part of the mission, his house had been all tidied up! The sun was streaming in his window, everything was in its correct place again, and there was peace and beautiful quiet in his hobbit hole. Gandalf and the dwarves were gone... it was as if the previous night had been a dream... except for the contract lying on his table, with the blank line waiting for Bilbo's signature. Standing in his hobbit hole, with everything exactly as he wanted it to be, something stirred in Bilbo. And I found THIS to be the most compelling part of the whole movie. In that moment I believe Bilbo realized that his desire to say "yes" to his calling ran even deeper than his desires for peace and quiet and comfort. 

As he sprinted to catch up with Gandalf and the dwarves, he ran past countless hobbit holes with hobbit families who would continue in their quiet, peaceful lives, tending gardens, making ale, raising hobbit babies... and he ran, not knowing if this mission would cost him his life, if he would ever see his home again, or if his desires for simplicity and comfort would ever be realized... yet he ran because he was called to be a part of something bigger than himself. He had a role to play in a great story. 

I know that even if I woke up to everything 'as it should be' like Bilbo did that morning, there is a desire that runs deeper in my heart - the desire to say "yes" to You - whatever that means. When I look back at the last almost 2 years of mine and Jonny's marriage, I can't say I would do anything differently. I complain about wanting simplicity and more time to focus on us and our marriage, but I know that those desires are second to my desire to say "yes" to You. 

We are currently in a war and part of that "yes" means fighting. There is a mission to be accomplished. The Kingdom has come already, but it's still not yet. There is much to be done. Someday we will put up our feet and rest from our labours (Revelation 14:13), but that day is not today. Like the dwarves, there are countless 'homeless' people in need of help... and there is an evil dragon, along with his dark forces, seeking to steal, kill and destroy the lives of men. I can't just hunker down in my comfy hobbit hole when I am called to be a part of THE Great Story that is unfolding. I must die to myself and these lesser desires. I must proclaim the eternal gospel that Revelation 14:6-7 speaks of. I must worship the Maker of Heaven and Earth and really love Him... and I must love my neighbour. What else can my response be to the One who was slaughtered to purchase me for God by His blood (Revelation 5:9)? I must serve His Body and support Jonny to shepherd His flock, even when that's hard. 

Forgive me for being so focused on my own comfort... for being selfish... for looking at the lives of others with envy. I want to say "yes" to You... to follow You in the way You've ordained and pre-destined for me to. You are sovereign and You have brought us to this moment and place in time. Help me to embrace each step from You as part of the journey, even when it's unexpected. Thank You for speaking to me and calling me. Please give me endurance I pray.

Therefore, since we also have such a large cloud of witnesses surrounding us, let us lay aside every weight and the sin that so easily ensnares us. Let us run with endurance the race that lies before us, keeping our eyes on Jesus, the Source and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy that lay before Him endured a cross and despised the shame and has sat down at the right hand of God's throne. For consider Him who endured such hostility from sinners against Himself, so that you won't grow weary and lose heart. (Hebrews 12:1-3)