All of Me

Months ago, a sweet friend of mine encouraged me to use this time of waiting for our children to process and prepare the change that is coming (thanks Jenny!). She said that pregnancy is a time of preparation - body, soul and spirit - for the child who is coming, and she encouraged me that this placement stage of our adoption process is that time of preparation for me, and I should make the most of it. So, this post is me sharing a bit of what I've been processing, emotionally and spiritually, in preparation for our kids.   

I heard this song "All of Me" by Matt Hammitt for the first time about a month ago, and I couldn't help but think how perfectly it expresses the love of a parent for a child. The words go like this:

Afraid to love, something that could break,

Could I move on, if You were torn away?
I'm so close to what I can't control
I can't give You half my heart, and pray He makes You whole

You're gonna have all of me, You're gonna have all of me,
Cuz you're worth every falling tear, You're worth facing every fear
You're gonna know all my love, even if it's not enough
Enough to mend our broken hearts, giving You all of me is where I'll start.

I won't let sadness steal You from my arms
I won't let pain keep you from my heart
I'll trade the fear of all that I could lose,
For every moment I'll share with You

You're gonna have all of me, you're gonna have all of me,
Cuz You're worth every falling tear, You're worth facing any fear
You're gonna know all my love, even if it's not enough
Enough to mend our broken hearts, giving You all of me is where I'll start.

Heaven brought you to this moment, it's too wonderful to speak
You're worth all of me, You're worth all of me
So let me recklessly love You, even if I bleed
You're worth all of me, You're worth all of me

As an expectant Mom, this song struck a chord in my heart, and really expresses well how I want to love our children. Back in February, I wrote a post called Fear Not where I shared about my fresh realization that fear and love cannot coexist. I was (and still am!) super convicted that I need to keep repenting of my sin of fear. Fear is what holds me back from truly loving, and I like how this song expresses that fight against fear... the fight to love. 

I have read quite a bit about the attachment issues that children in foster care have, and I am preparing myself for what could (and probably will) be a challenging transition - both for our kids and for us. There's so much that's out of my control in this whole process:

1. I have no control over the issues in our kids' birth family that will ultimately lead them to us
2. I have no control over the unique ways (healthy and unhealthy) that each of our children will have learned to cope with the pain they've been through in their young lives
3. I have no control over the emotions that they will be dealing with inside
4. I have no control over the behaviours that they will exhibit as a result of the trauma they've experienced
5. I have no control over when they'll be placed in our home and if they will stay (beyond the 6 month to 1 year probation period) and be ours forever

And all of this can be kind of scary! 

Yet, that line in the bridge of Matt Hammit's song gets me every time: let me recklessly love you, even if I bleed. I can't help but think about Jesus on the cross whenever I hear/read that line! But the crazy thing about the love of God, displayed on the cross, is that He showed it in this way: while we were still sinners, He bled and died for us (Romans 5:8)! Did you catch that? Jesus recklessly loved SINNERS, bleeding and dying on the cross for them. So it was not because I was "worth it", or somehow deserving of love that Jesus died for me. I could never deserve or merit the love of the holy Creator of the world. In fact, my sin demands that I be punished. I myself have spit in the face of the One who made me and who holds everything together (Colossians 1:17). I have spurned His grace. Yet this God, in his inexplicable and amazing love, looked on my sin and said, "though she doesn't deserve it, I am going to love her to the point of shedding my blood. I will take the punishment that she rightfully deserves and make her mine." 

This is where the love of God blows even this song out of the water and takes it to a whole new level for me! Because I see that His love is so extravagant and logic-defying! It goes far beyond what is reasonable! 

I totally understand what the sentiment of this song is getting at, and I mean it when I sing it around the house, thinking about our kids, "you're worth all of me!" But underneath that line for me as I sing it is much more than the sentiment, "you're such a sweet little kid and you're worth all of me!" Much more. 1 John 4:10 and 19 say: In this is love: not that we loved God, but that He loved us, and sent His Son to be the wrath-bearing-substitute for our sins... We love because He first loved us. God's love is the ultimate source and motivation for loving my children! 

So even if we lose them after committing to loving them, even if they act out and spurn our love, even if they have outrageous behaviour, even if they never love us back, "even if it's not enough", and "even if I bleed" like the song says, I'm still going to give them all of me and recklessly love them, because JESUS is worth it! He has poured out His unfathomable love in my heart by His Spirit (Romans 5:5), and I am privileged to give it away! 

 My prayer is that I will love our children like God loves me.... with a one-way, unconditional love. I hope that giving them "all of me" will image for them, in some small way, the amazing love of God the Heavenly Father, which is, as the Jesus Storybook Bible describes it, the ultimate "Never Stopping, Never Giving Up, Unbreaking, Always and Forever Love" that we all desperately need. 

My Husband Has Tattoos

 I just read a beautiful blog post this morning called "My Wife Has Tattoos" and it reminded me so much of Jon and me and our story. Sadly, it took me a long time to get to the place of maturity in my Christian walk where I was able to say this.

I am so thankful that God had a man better than my dreams for me to marry. I was much like Spencer described himself in this blog post - a goody-two-shoe, judgmental Christian teenager who legitimately laughed when people told me that I would never find a man that met all of the criteria on my "list" (which included at that time, no tattoos, no alcohol-drinking, and definitely no drugs or sexual promiscuity in his past!).

Many people wouldn’t have put me and Jon together. In high school, we probably would not have been friends. I would have turned my nose up at him, and he would probably not have been interested in me either. As Spencer said of himelf and his wife Taylor,  "people like us, with our backgrounds and history are not supposed to meet, fall in love, and covenant their lives to each other. But everything changes when people meet Jesus.  Jesus takes people like rebellious teenage partiers, and goody-two-shoe homeschoolers and puts them together in marriage to put something on display much bigger than their own hand-crafted, perfectly planned love-story." 

Yesterday morning, I awoke to my sweet husband saying, "Happy fourth year engagement anniversary!" I looked at him kind of funny until I registered that it was April 25th - the day he got down on one knee four years ago and asked me to marry him. I couldn't believe that he remembered that. I certainly didn't! Four years ago - after much deliberation and repentance of my wrong, sinful patterns of thinking - I said "Yes", and I am so thankful that I did!

Today I am reminded again that God’s ultimate plan in putting Jon and I together is that he wants to uniquely put his grace on display for the world to see. I could have said "no" and walked away. I could have stayed in the sinful self-righteous rut I was in and listened to all the voices that said we were too different and just wrong for each other. But everything changes when people meet Jesus! He changed me and He changed Jon; He's still changing both of us. Grace changes everything!

I'm so thankful that I didn't marry the tattooless "man of my dreams". Jon is better than I could have dreamed. "Jonathan" means "Gift of God" and that is truly what he is to me. So thankful for God's grace in bringing us together.

Waiting - Adoption Update

At the end of January I posted our adoption announcement on this blog, saying that our family might be growing by 4, 6 or 8 feet in the near future. I mentioned the fact that we were still in the "waiting for approval" stage of the home study process, so it could technically still fall through.

Well, as of this week, I am happy to report that we have officially been approved to adopt! Now it's no longer a question of "if" we will be having children through adoption, but rather, "WHEN"! :) My heart feels pregnant with anticipation! Jon and I are both so excited and thankful to God for how He has guided this process and brought us through it so quickly! Now, instead of waiting for approval, we are actually waiting for a placement! It feels somewhat surreal right now.

I have our two upstairs bedrooms all cleared out now, waiting to find out who our children are so we can tailor the rooms to their needs. I've started decorating a little bit already though, re-locating the nice lime green curtains my Mum gave me, from the living room to their bedrooms (at the suggestion of the ladies in our Hub group - thanks girls!): 

My sweet sister-in-law has also offered to give us the cutest little loft bed that our niece doesn't use anymore, if we need it, so I'm pretty excited about this:

This placement stage is the part of the process that Jon and I have decided to keep confidential and share only with each other, the Lord, and our adoption worker. This is because of the uncertainty of this stage, and the potential for emotional ups and downs as we work with CAS to find a good fit. Thankfully for the children, CAS has a child-centered approach, which means that they are looking primarily for the best parents for the children, not the best children for the parents. This does mean, however, that the placement process could be somewhat of an emotional rollercoaster for us, and we would appreciate your prayers for continued guidance as we trust God to lead us to our children. The timing of this phase is completely uncertain - the placement could happen in 2 weeks, 2 months, or a year from now. We just don't know. But once we have confirmation of the placement, we will certainly let friends and family know how many children we are bringing home, how old they are, and when they will be officially placed with us.

Thanks to all of you who have been such a support and encouragement to us through this process! I will continue posting updates as we prepare our hearts and our home for our children, sharing as much of this journey as we can with all of you.

Work For Food That Endures

Isaiah 55:2-3
Why do you spend your money for that which is not bread,
    and your labor for that which does not satisfy? 
Listen diligently to me, and eat what is good,     
and delight yourselves in rich food.  
Incline your ear, and come to me;
   hear, that your soul may live;
and I will make with you an everlasting covenant,     
my steadfast, sure love for David.

How often do I labour for that which does not satisfy? Too often. I get so busy being productive and crossing things off my never-ending "To Do" list that I often fail to come to God during the day, to delight myself in rich food - in Jesus Himself, who is the Bread of life (John 6:35).

I want my work to endure! I want to live for God and bear fruit that lasts. Even as I go about my mundane tasks. I want it all to be labour for the Lord - that's the only way it's not all meaningless and a chasing after the wind, like Ecclesiastes says. 

In John 6:27, Jesus says: Do not work for the food that perishes, but for the food that endures to eternal life, which the Son of Man will give to you. And then in John 6:29, He says that to work for the food that endures forever means simply to believe. So recently I've been reflecting on this "work" of believing that I need to be doing. 

The following are some things I wrote in my journal that I need to believe:

• That Jesus came to live the perfect life I couldn't live and to die in my place
• That He rose from the grave, breaking the power of sin and death
• That I am loved an accepted on the basis of His finished work alone
• That to live for me now is Christ, and to die is gain
• That the Holy Spirit is working in me, helping me to die to sin and obey all of God's will, commands and law
• That Jesus is the Bread of life and He is enough
• That I am labouring for something greater than food that perishes, and so in everything God can be glorified

May God help me BELIEVE and then live from that place of belief! It's so simple, but it's not easy. I want to be a woman who communes with God in the moments of my days. 

Life is comprised of moments. 

And I want to see Him in all of it.... to hear his whispers, that my soul may live, as Isaiah 55 says. As I drive to work and clean the kitchen and cook and do laundry and cross things off my to do list and balance our bank account and babysit, I long for my belief in God - who He is and all He's done - to be underneath as the driving force of all I think, say and do. I want to keep my eyes wide open and work for food that endures to eternal life. 

Today is the beginning of Lent, and I have given up Facebook again, like I did last year. I find that to be a good thing for me to step back from during this season, to intentionally focus more on this season of preparation and repentance, during which Christians anticipate the the death (Good Friday) and resurrection (Easter Sunday) of Jesus. But, after a conversation with a good friend who told me that she sensed God calling her to give up complaining for Lent, I have been trying to think about what else He may be calling me to give up... and I kept coming back to these verses in my heart and mind. I'm almost afraid to say that I'm committing to "giving up labouring for that which does not satisfy", because it's such a big thing! I struggle with it so much that I feel like I'm a failure before I even start! But even as I say that, I am reminded that this is what the Christian life is! We are not what we should be, but we press on (Phil 3:12)! And there is grace for every failure because of Jesus. I feel somewhat silly to say I'm committing to focusing my effort on "working for the food that endures" over Lent, because I already know I'm going to mess up! But, as this devotional I'm going through says (click here if you want to download it!), "Lent is a journey to the cross: meditating on our sin and weakness, looking to Jesus as our perfect example and substitute, and being heightened in our worship of his victory over Satan, sin, and death." 

So, in the end, I decided that I am going to make an extra concerted effort, starting today, to stop spending my money for that which is not bread and my labour for that which does not satisfy, and instead incline my ear to my God, that my soul may live! 

I read this blog by Sara Hagerty this morning called Messy Prayers and it totally pushed me over the edge in this decision! :) A practical way for me to begin this Ash Wednesday is to pray messy-in-the-moment prayers, because: 

Pumped for the next 40 days!

Fear Not

Over the last few weeks I have been gripped with a new awareness of how much I fail in my relationships to truly LOVE, especially in my relationship with Jon. I love him more than anyone in the world, but after 3 years of marriage, and now pretty close to adding children to our family, I am being hit with a deep heart realization of the deficiencies in my character - patterns of interacting (or should I say re-acting!) that haven't changed all that much since Jon and I started dating way back in 2006. And I am realizing that many of these sinful patterns are driven by FEAR. Jon has told me for a long time that I have a problem with fear. And while I have agreed with him, I feel like recently my eyes have been opened in a new way to how crippled I am by fear, and how it's not just something to shrug my shoulders at, but is a deep, ugly, sinful root, from which many other sins flow. My defensiveness, my avoidance, my reactivity, my insecurity, my inordinate desire for the approval of others - all of these stem from fear. Fear of rejection, fear of conflict, fear of not being heard or respected, fear of being misunderstood... I am just a really fearful person. And I don't want to be! I am not content to minimize this sin anymore.

One of my favourite bloggers, Sara Hagerty, wrote a blog on fear called When Life Leaves You Flinching that I have been reflecting on, and one quote from this post that rings true as I wrestle with this is where Sara says: Fear grows, wild, where love does not. That line is like a paraphrase of 1 John 4:18, which says: There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love. When I live from a place of fear, I am not living in love. I have forgotten that I am loved by God, forgiven and accepted into His family, regardless of my performance. And as a result, I am incapable of truly loving others. Giving way to fear actually prevents me from loving God and the people around me. I can only love God when I believe, at a heart level, that He has first loved me (1 John 4:10). And I can only love others when I am resting in that extravagant love of God. As Sara says, the love of God can't share a room with fear. 

So, my vertical relationship with the God of Love directly impacts all of my horizontal relationships with people. In my marriage, I can either relate to Jon out of fear or out of love. And when our kids come home to us, I can parent them either out of fear or out of love. The two are mutually exclusive. When I am giving way to fear, I am actually failing to love, which is a big deal! It's a sin against the God who purchased me with His blood. I am forgetting that I have not received a spirit of slavery to fall back into fear, but the Spirit of adoption as [a daughter], by whom I can cry, "Abba! Father!" (Romans 8:15).

Even though I am convicted about this in a new way, I'm so aware that this isn't just something I can change myself. I need the Holy Spirit to change me. I need to get the gospel deep in my heart more - to KNOW the perfect love of God that drives out fear. Yet, at the same time, I know that I still have a part to play in putting this sin to death, and I want to struggle with all of His energy that powerfully works in me (Col 1:29). One of the interns at our church preached a sermon a few weeks back and he talked about putting our feet on the throat of sin and killing it, in response to all Christ has done for us. That is what I want to do with fear in my life. I want God to show me how to kill this sin; how to repent in each moment when I am tempted to give way to fear. I want to love Jon, our children, and people in general, unconditionally... in light of the unconditional love that I always have in Christ. 

Our family may be growing by 4, 6 or 8 feet! :)

It's been almost exactly 3 months since I last wrote a post on this blog, and as I re-read my posts from the past year, I can hardly believe where we are at the start of 2014! When I wrote my first post on adoption in January 2013, I said that Jon and I were hoping/planning to build our family through adoption in "the next few years". Well, I guess the Lord had a different timeline for us, because it looks like "the next few years" may actually be this year! Below is an excerpt from our 2013 newsletter that we handed out around Christmas time:


WE ARE “EXPECTING”!  

Some of you have already heard this news, but we thought we would officially announce our “pregnancy” in this newsletter – the only thing is our children aren’t growing in Mel’s tummy! We have decided to build our family through adoption. 

Currently in Canada, more than 30,000 kids are in foster care, and we have recently started the process to adopt a group of siblings. We are so excited! We have always hoped that we would have our children through adoption, and we can hardly believe that we are on our way to seeing that happen!  If all goes smoothly, the training and home study process will be finished by the end of March, and then we could be open for adoption and waiting for a “match” shortly after. So it’s possible that we are now parents-to-be – we’re just not sure when!  We don’t know how many children we will have yet (could be 2-4 siblings), or how old they will be (could be anywhere between 0 and 8 years), but we already love them and are praying for them. We can’t wait to bring them home! 

As Christians though, adoption for us is much more than simply providing a home for waiting children. On a Christian adoption website, (www.waitingtobelong.ca) it says, “The Bible tells us that even before the creation of the world, God predestined us to be adopted as His sons and daughters (Ephesians 1:5)” and “God’s heart for the orphan pours forth from His Word. Adoption has been described by Pastor John Piper as the visible gospel. It is proclaimed to a watching world that desperately needs to know the love of the heavenly Father.”


Our final home study session is coming up on February 1st. After that meeting, our home study assessor will send our report (describing the kind of family we are and the children who will fit best in our home) to her supervisor for approval. At this point we are not guaranteed approval, but we are so far into the process now (after completing the PRIDE training and most of the SAFE home study assessment) that it would definitely be hard for us if it fell through. Yet even though we're not officially "adopt ready" at this stage, we decided to go public with our "news" for a few reasons:

1. We would rather share all of the process with our family and friends than keep it a secret. Being open about it means that we get to share the joy or the sorrow of this process with the people we love, and we like it that way. What's that saying? - A joy shared is doubled and a sorrow shared is halved? Something like that! :)
   
   
2. If everything DOES go smoothly, there's a possibility that we could be matched with our children very quickly, so we wanted to give all of our loved ones some processing time before we have an instant family! :) 

It will be interesting to see what this year brings. Our life could change drastically in just a few months. What is now a fairly quiet, orderly, and low-key home, occupied by 2 introverts and their extremely chill dog, could in quick time be overflowing with noise and laughter and squabbles and toys! :) I am excited! And a bit nervous! But more excited. :) I hope to blog on here about this adoption journey, as well as other things that I am learning in my walk with God (hopefully it won't be 3 months between each post this year!). I'm so thankful that God is in control of our lives and already waiting in the future for us.

What I Wish I Could Say to the Gay Community - Response to "Same Love"

Last Saturday as I was driving back from Kingston to Peterborough, I found myself almost falling asleep at the wheel! So I stopped for a coffee, jumped back in the car, rolled down the windows, and tried to find an up-beat radio station. I stopped at Fresh 95.3 FM, finding a song at the desired tempo, cranking up the volume, now sufficiently awake to make it home. I can't even remember the name of the up-beat song that helped wake me up, but the song that came next stuck with me and had me thinking and praying all the way home. It was the first time I'd ever heard "Same Love" by Maclemore and Ryan Lewis, featuring Mary Lambert, and it moved me deeply. You can have a listen at this link if you like: Same Love, or read the lyrics here: "Same Love" lyrics.

In summary, the song is about what many would term "gay rights" issues. It speaks out against the homophobia of the hip-hop industry and against the idea he says is held by "right wing conservatives" that homosexuality is simply "a decision" that can be "cured with some treatment and religion". The chorus, sung by Mary Lambert, reads:

And I can't change
Even if I tried
Even if I wanted to
And I can't change
Even if I tried
Even if I wanted to
My love
My love
My love
She keeps me warm
She keeps me warm
She keeps me warm
She keeps me warm

As I listened, tears came to my eyes and my heart hurt. I had so much that I felt I wanted to say to the gay community in Peterborough, Barbados, Canada, and the world, in response to this song. Here's my attempt at articulating some of the things I wish I could say:

1. I'm sorry that I used to be one of those people who said that homosexuality was only a decision, and that people could just simply choose not to be homosexuals. I know now that some people are born with a predisposition to be attracted to the same sex, and I am so sorry for my pride and my lack of compassion for so many years. Please forgive me.
   
2. I am so sorry for the homophobia you have had to endure - people calling you names and saying hateful things, ostracizing you, acting like homosexuality is the one unpardonable sin. This is so wrong there aren't even words for it.
   
3. I know now that you can't change your sexual predisposition, even if you wanted to, even if you tried, like "Same Love" says. That chorus rang so true to me, not just in regard to homosexuality, but for me as a heterosexual sinner. I can't change, even if I tried, even if I wanted to. That's why I need a Saviour. Only Jesus can save us from our sinful selves and change us from the inside out.
   
4. If I really and truly love you, I can't say "live on and be yourself" - not to the gay community, nor to the heterosexual community - because that "book written 3500 years ago" is actually the inspired Word of God, and I am not paraphrasing when I quote 1 Corinthians 6:9-11 :- Do you not know that the unrighteous will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived: neither the sexually immoral, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor men who practice homosexuality,¹⁰ nor thieves, nor the greedy, nor drunkards, nor revilers, nor swindlers will inherit the kingdom of God. ¹¹ And such were some of you. But you were washed, you were sanctified, you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and by the Spirit of our God.
   If I love you, I MUST tell you the truth. I am a sinner. You are a sinner. We are all unrighteous idolaters and we can't change ourselves. But the answer isn't to "live on and be yourself". No, the answer is to repent and believe in Jesus for the forgiveness of our sins! If you confess with your mouth that Jesus is Lord and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved (Romans 10:9).
   
   Trusting in Jesus means that we believe that He lived the perfect life we could never live, that He died in our place on the cross, bearing the punishment we deserved, and then He rose again, defeating sin and death forever! It means that we believe we are accepted by God on Jesus' merit, not our own, and then in response to His love and acceptance of us, while still sinners, we ask Him to change us from the inside out and we begin to turn from our sin (repent). We deny the sin that comes naturally to us, take up our crosses and follow Him (Luke 9:23).
   
   Trusting in Jesus doesn't mean I am instantly "cured" of my sin. I still have wrong desires, and so will my gay friends who are saved by His grace. But the solution isn't to just roll over, as this song suggests, and mislead people into thinking that this is "just who they are", end of story. I don't believe that the Christian community should pendulum-swing from that awful homophobic extreme to the other end where we say that gay "marriage" is something to be applauded and held up as perfectly normal and right, which is totally where this song (and the accompanying music video) goes. As hard as it may be for you to hear the truth, lying to you isn't loving you. Though this song ends repeating "Love is patient, love is kind" from 1 Corinthians 13:4, it conveniently leaves out verse 6 that follows saying, "Love does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth".
   
   In the words of an anonymous Christian lesbian (you can read the whole letter that she wrote to the Church here) that I read a few months ago: To those of you who would change the church to accept the gay community and its lifestyle: you give us no hope at all... You are willing to compromise the word of God to be politically correct. We are not deceived. If we accept your willingness to compromise, then we must also compromise. We must therefore accept your lying, your adultery, your lust, your idolatry, your addictions, YOUR sins....We do not ask for your acceptance of our sins any more than we accept yours. We simply ask for the same support, love, guidance, and most of all hope that is given to the rest of your congregation. We are your brothers and sisters in Christ. We are not what we shall be, but thank God, we are not what we were. Let us work together to see that we all arrive safely home. Amen, sister. Jesus is the only hope any of us have. But He is our Living Hope! As 1 Peter 1:3 says: Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! According to his great mercy, he has caused us to be born again to a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead.
   
5.   It is my prayer that God will help me show deep love and hold out true hope to all of you in the gay community.
   

With much love and prayers, 

Mel

 

 Some other helpful articles:
How can the Gospel be Good News to Gays? 
 Letter to a Struggling Gay Christian