Marriage on a Mission

About a month ago I listened to this talk on marriage by Francis Chan that really rocked me: Don't Focus on the Family. 

My husband, Jon, sent me the link last month and told me he thought it would help me understand his view of marriage better. I was initially pumped because after 2 years of marriage and being a pastor's wife, I was longing to focus more on our relationship - on us. Jon had started pastoring The Trent Gathering two weeks after we were married in January 2011, and it had been 2 difficult years. So I did a double take when I read the title of this youtube video in early February. My heart initially skipped a beat I think! Don't focus on the family? What was that about? It ran against the grain of what I thought the title of a Christian talk on marriage should be. And I thought to myself, "What's Jon thinking? This can't possibly be helpful for where we are at because what we NEED is to focus on our marriage!!" But as I listened to it, something stirred inside me. The thrust of Chan's message is that marriage is about being on a mission together to make disciples of Christ, and I found his words compelling and challenging. Looking back, I think it was a turning point for me.

There is a balance to be found, to be sure, when it comes to focusing on the family. Many marriages have been train-wrecked and children damaged because of misplaced priorities. I'm certainly not advocating that intimacy between a husband and wife should be ignored, nor that investing deeply in our children be pushed aside for the sake of ministry. Jon and I are definitely still working on balancing the demands of ministry with investing in our relationship, especially since we never had the foundational years that many couples have before taking on a full-time ministry position. But something about Chan's message was crucial for me to hear, and I think that today God is helping me understand and articulate some what He has been doing in my heart for the past 2 years.

A sweet friend of mine just gave me a book called The Church Planting Wife: Help and Hope for Her Heart , and as I was reading it today I felt as if Christine Hoover, the author, was putting the last 2 years of my life into words in a way that I have never been able to. Here are some excerpts that accurately describe what I have felt and how I have responded to the challenges of "church-planting" over the last 2 years:

Nothing in my life goes untouched by my husband's calling. I find it challenging to describe in detail how this work affects deep regions of my heart or even to understand it myself, both the joys of seeing God change lives through our work and the struggles of bitter disappointments and personal failures.... If I'm not careful, the nature of this calling can create in me a sense of self-focus, self-pity or isolation. Or I feel misunderstood and long for the rhythms of a "normal" life... 

I longed... especially for God to make things easier and more comfortable for us.... 

I began putting undue pressure on Kyle because I was emotionally fragile, uncertain of my role, and lonely. Church planting was proving harder than I had originally expected.... I mourned the change and what it required of me: more sacrifice, less of my husband, more uncertainty... In my emotional need, I wanted my husband's full attention, but, tasked with a great responsibility, he had so little to give me. I grew disillusioned - with ministry, with church planting, and with marriage. I dwelled there, feeding my sinful thoughts... What if I hadn't married someone in the ministry? What would it hurt to just give up?

I had entered church planting with a firm faith, but because I didn't closely guard my heart, because I listened to those little poisonous whispers, I forgot that God loved me and I doubted His provision. Resentful, my heart hardened toward Kyle and toward God. My unwillingness to submit to the Lord and accept His good purposes for me made it all the more difficult to heart His voice or receive His comfort. 

God allowed the difficulty of church planting to sift me, to bring the issues of my heart to the surface. I realized that if I didn't address these things, my marriage, my family and my own heart were in danger. God was refining me, cleaning me out, and teaching me dependence rather than self-reliance. 

I think when I listened to that Francis Chan talk, I began to realize that the solution to the weariness I felt as a pastor's wife was not to quit ministry and just give up. Nor was the answer to put more pressure on Jon to give me more of his attention and complain about our marriage and the demands of ministry, as I had been doing. I was reminded that Jon and I are called to be on mission together to make disciples - and that's a joyful thing, even though it involves sacrifice and difficulties. I started to understand that the solution wasn't to swing from being overly ministry-focused to being overly marriage-focused, as I had been hoping we would.
  
I am also realizing that I haven't really thought much over the last 2 years about the reality of spiritual warfare. I haven't recognized that the enemy of God has been challenging my heart's devotion and stirring up fear in my soul. Instead, up until recently, I have been building up resentment towards Jon and hardening my heart towards God and His good purposes for me, without even realizing. It was only at the beginning of this year that I actually made a conscious decision to support Jon and stop fighting against and questioning this calling on his life - on our lives - every time it gets hard. Something about Lisa Chan's words quoted by her husband made my heart twist inside me when I heard them. When Francis told her what he felt God calling him to, she said, "If you believe this is what God's called you to do, this is why I married you. I believe you're going to lead me to wherever God wants us to go. And if that's what you believe God has called us to, then I support you 100%". I remember looking at Jon in February with a pained expression on my face because I knew that I hadn't supported him like that for the last 2 years of marriage and ministry... but I wanted to. I still want to. I want to hope in God and not give way to fear. I want to listen to the whisper of God instead of the enemy's lies. I want to trust Him to lead Jon, and follow Jon's lead. I want to trust the Lord with my heart and let Him do - through church leadership - the work He needs to do in me. 
 
In year 3 of our marriage and year 3 of Jon pastoring The Gathering, I am starting to see how God has allowed the difficulty of ministry to sift me, to refine me, to clean me out, and I am beginning to accept His good purposes for me. It's funny how, as I've started to submit to Him more in this area, I've already seen such a change in our marriage. Jon and I are closer now than we've ever been. We're growing individually and together, and I have hope that God is refining us and teaching us lessons now that will enable us to finish well, not only in our marriage, but also in our faithfulness to the mission of God on this earth - making disciples of all nations. I want Jon and I both to be able to say at the end of this life, as Paul did, "I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith" (2 Tim 4:7) and to hear God say, "Well done good and faithful servant" (Matt 25:23).

Flowers in a Bucket

Every year I tell myself that I'm not that big on Valentines Day... that it's just an overly commercialized day businesses make the most of by trying to get people to spend unnecessary money, but it's really just like any other day and not a big deal. Who am I kidding though? Every year I'm thrilled when Jon and I do something special, and deep down I think I'd be kinda sad if we didn't!

This year we had dinner reservations at a nice restaurant at 6:30pm and I was beyond thrilled. I thought that was our gift to each other and didn't expect anything else, but when I went to get dressed up for our date and opened the door of our bedroom, I was greeted by a dozen beautiful orange roses (I have never seen roses in that colour before!) in a Home Depot bucket, with a small envelope in front of them on the floor that read "For my Valentine". Needless to say my heart melted!

 
My husband is a poet. Unfortunately though, his poetry was a bit lost on me this time! I read his poetic words on the tiny card and ran upstairs to give him a kiss, chuckling about the fact that he put them in a Home Depot bucket. I told him I thought that was funny and cute, and he said "Do you get it?" I was like "Get it?" He went on to tell me that the Home Depot bucket was intentional and I should read the card again. So I did. And I still didn't get it. O dear. So he explained.

What do you think of when you think "Home Depot?" Construction. Hard work. Building something. He had written out two quotes on the card:

It is not the love that sustains the covenant, but the covenant that sustains the love - D. Bonhoeffer
                                             
The ground of promise is the soil in which the flower of love grows - J. Piper 

So the Home Depot bucket was symbolic of the covenant or the "hard work" of committed love, in which the beautiful flowers of romantic love, including feelings, grow. The rest of the card went on to express his commitment to honoring forever the covenant we made with one another on January 2, 2011. I loved it.

Yet for the whole day yesterday,  as I looked at my roses sitting in their Home Depot bucket and read and re-read the card a billion times, I had unsettled feelings about Jonny's words, and I couldn't figure out why... until now.

As much as I know it is true that feelings are not the basis of marital love, part of me has totally bought into Hollywood's depiction of love. I know from experience, from reading the Bible and other solid books, and from talking to others, that the feelings come and go and that they can't be the foundation of our marriage, but sometimes I still want them to be. The concepts of covenant and commitment seem so unromantic at times and I wish we could always FEEL head over heels and giddy! As I was trying to process how on earth I could actually be bothered about Jon's sweet surprise gift and his promise to honor the covenant we made when it's easy and when it's hard, I realized that the problem is that I think far too highly of myself. Let me explain what I mean.

I like to think that I am easy to love.... to imagine that Jon will feel those "can't eat, can't sleep, reach for the stars, over the fence, world series" kind of feelings (quote from the movie "It Takes Two") for me all the time because I'm so awesome and he can't help himself. So when I thought more deeply about the gift and card he gave me on Thursday, I began to get a little disconcerted. Shouldn't it just come easy for him to have the gushy feelings of love for me? Am I hard to love? (I know, way to put a negative spin on something great. My battle against pessimism and negativity will be a post for another day!) But then I thought, you know what, the truth is I am hard to love sometimes. And heck, sometimes I don't have mushy gushy feelings either! Sometimes it doesn't come easy. It's not like the movies at all. Feelings ebb and flow, like the tide. I just need to accept that reality instead of fighting it. Because focusing on the feelings isn't actually what makes them flourish! It's the hard work of commitment, it's the promise we've made to stick with each other and love each other in action that makes those beautiful flowers grow.

Funnily enough, I heard the song "Hard to Love" by Lee Brice on Thursday, and it kept coming back to me all day on Friday as I was wrestling through these thoughts. The chorus says:

I'm hard to love, hard to love
I don't make it easy
I couldn't do it if I stood where you stood
I'm hard to love hard to love
But you say that you need me
I don't deserve it
But I love that you love me good

I'm still a sucker for romantic feelings. But I'm so thankful for the reminder from Jon that our love is more than fleeting feelings.... that he's committed to me for the long haul and isn't going to bail on the days when I'm hard to love. It was good to recognize my pride and the fact that I was thinking more highly of myself than I ought to. Neither Jon nor God love me because I'm so awesome and I deserve it. They love me unconditionally, when I least deserve it. And that is deeper and truer and better than Hollywood love any day!

Thanks Jonny. I love that you and Jesus love me good! Thanks for imaging His love to me, and for reminding me how beautiful the ground (or bucket) of promise is! We can't have the flower of love without the soil in which it grows.

For Christians, suffering is labour pain

I'm on a girls' retreat this weekend with 2 of my friends from university and the rest, relaxation and reflection at this gorgeous retreat centre (http://www.kingfisherbay.ca/) has been great so far. As we were walking this afternoon on the snow-covered trails, we talked about what we're learning from God lately, and one of them shared an analogy/metaphor from Henri Nouwen that I thought was just beautiful:

“Something new will be born out of the pain. Jesus calls our pains ‘labour pains’.” (Henri Nouwen)

It made me think of that verse from Romans 8:28:- "We know that all things work together for the good of those who love God: those who are called according to His purpose". Every painful situation in our lives will birth something beautiful, because God promises to work all things together for good. For Christians, suffering is labour pain. How encouraging and hopeful!

Even thinking about the big winter storm that caused us to postpone our trip fits with these thoughts. Yesterday it snowed and snowed and snowed and we couldn't come to Kingfisher last night as we planned. But today, when we finally arrived, the sun was out and something beautiful was birthed through the blizzard.... beautiful snow covered trees and glistening snowy trails.... something new was born in the storm.

“Our glory is hidden in our pain, if we allow God to bring the gift of Himself in our experience of it. If we turn to God, not rebelling against our hurt, we let God transform it into greater good.” (Henri Nouwen)

Changed by Love

The truth in these lyrics has been comforting to me this week, so I thought I'd share the link. I had another week of eye-opening, increasing awareness of my sinfulness. Maybe it's the busyness and pressure of this season that's causing all the sin in me to rise to the surface, but seriously it's like I'm seeing one thing after the next.

This morning when our awesome worship leader, DJ, had us put our names in the place of "love" for those verses from 1 Corinthians 13:4-7, I just cringed inwardly:

Mel is patient and kind; she does not envy or boast; Mel is not arrogant or rude; she is not irritable or resentful; she does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Mel bares all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.

Eeeek. I was so relieved when DJ said that she also felt that she was lying to put her name in there! How I wish those things were true of me, but I know, even just looking back at this week, that those verses do not describe me. I don't love like that a lot of the time.

Yet today, after an awesome time gathering around the Gospel with our church family, I am encouraged that this kind of love does exist, even though mine falls so short of it. Our God loves His children like this - with a love that never ends (1 Cor 13:8).

I am so glad that the Gospel frees me to admit how bad I am and acknowledge the full extent of my sinfulness. So often I am tempted to minimize my sin or excuse it, so that I can somehow feel worthy of God's acceptance. But I was reminded this week, through this song, and then today through the sermon on Luke 6:27-36, that  God loves me even with all of my crap and the besetting sins that I struggle to kill. He loves His enemies. He's not waiting till I change to love me. He loves me now. And it's actually His love that does the changing in me. My heart is beginning to rejoice again tonight in the truth that God doesn't wait till I'm a saint to love me! But while I was still a sinner, Christ died for me. Though I was His enemy, He made me His friend, through the blood of Jesus. Not because of anything I did. Not because I changed enough to earn His love... but just because of His grace and love extended to me, in Christ. Jesus is Love personified. He epitomizes the love that 1 Corinthians 13:4-8 speaks of. I am only accepted because of Jesus' perfect life, lived on my behalf, and His death on the cross, in my place.

Now sanctification - this process of dying to my sin - is me living out more and more who God has already declared me to be, in Christ. I've been adopted into His family and He's never going to send me back to the orphanage. I will always be His child, so I don't need to fear. His love never fails, never gives up, never runs out on me. He says that I am His, and then changes me so I live more and more in that reality.

As Christians, we're not people who are trying to change to earn God's acceptance. Rather, we're people who are first loved by God and then changed by Love.

And on and on and on and on it goes. It overwhelms and satisfies my soul. And I never ever have to be afraid.'Cause this one thing remains. Your love never  fails, it never gives up, it never runs out on me! 

Thank You Jesus.

Learning to "be"

This week I watched Emily P. Freeman's second video on "Letting Go of the Try Hard Life"(you can check it out yourself by clicking here Letting Go of the Try Hard Life session 2), and I have been thinking on the question she asked, "Are you willing to do less and be more?" My heart screamed "YES! That sounds AMAZING!" as I was watching the video, but I totally relate to what she said about it sounding unrealistic. The responsibilities of life don't just go away. Who's going to get stuff done if I take time to be?  My mental picture of "being" involves physical down time - reading my Bible, writing out prayers in my journal, painting, relaxing, just enjoying peace and quiet. But what if being refers to a stillness on the inside? Is it really possible to have a stillness of heart when I'm doing things? Or even crazier - when difficult situations arise in the course of my day? Can I only be still inside when I am physically quiet and at rest? When things are going well relationally with the people I love and there are no stressful situations? Or could there actually be a deeper stillness and rest from God?

The devotional to go along with the video said this:
To remain in Him means to refuse to get up from His lap. When it seems like the situation calls for me to stand up and take charge, Jesus gives me permission to remain still, if only on the inside, to trust deeply and fully that He will be strong on my behalf. 

I wrote that excerpt out in my journal on Wednesday afternoon, but then on Wednesday night I promptly got out of Jesus' lap, stood up and took charge of a certain situation. In a conversation I had with a dear loved one, I argued and tried to force her to change.... to see that she was wrong in her perspective on a certain issue. But changing people is the Holy Spirit's job, not mine. And then again on Friday I got completely flustered about another situation. I was thinking about what I had to DO to make things right, and it was consuming me. In both of those instances I wasn't willing to do less and be more. I forgot that the work of God is this: to believe in the one he has sent (John 6:29). I didn't trust deeply and fully that Jesus would be strong on my behalf in those situations. Instead, I decided and lived like I had to do something to make everything o.k. This isn't how I want to live! Tonight, as I reflect on this week, I feel like the father of the demonized boy in Mark 9:24 who said to Jesus, "Help my unbelief!" The real work of God - believing - is the one that I struggle with the most, and I feel impatient with myself. Ironically I want to DO something to make myself BE faster! O boy. But I am reminded of the words to a song that I discovered this week, and it is so good for right now (For Your Splendor).  Here's how it goes:

I'm so concerned with what I look like from the outside
Will I blossom in to what You hope I’ll be?
Yet You're so patient just to help me see
The blooms come from a deeper seed that You planted in me.

Sometimes it’s hard to grow when everybody's watching.
To have your heart pruned by the One who knows best
Although I am bare and cold I know my season’s coming
And I will spring up in Your endless faithfulness. 

CHORUS:
With my roots deep in You
I'll grow the branch that bares the fruit
And though I’m small I'll still be standing in the storm.
Cause I am planted by the river
By Your streams of living water
And I'll grow up strong and beautiful all for Your splendor Lord.

It may take time, but God will help my unbelief. He will teach my heart to be still and know that He is God, to rest, to be. The seed He's planted in me will grow, all for His glory and splendor. Amen Lord Jesus. Let it be done. 

³You are already clean because of the word I have spoken to you. ⁴ Remain in Me, and I in you. Just as a branch is unable to produce fruit by itself unless it remains on the vine, so neither can you unless you remain in Me
 ⁵ “I am the vine; you are the branches. The one who remains in Me and I in him produces much fruit, because you can do nothing without Me. ⁶ If anyone does not remain in Me, he is thrown aside like a branch and he withers. They gather them, throw them into the fire, and they are burned. ⁷ If you remain in Me and My words remain in you, ask whatever you want and it will be done for you. ⁸ My Father is glorified by this: that you produce much fruit and prove to be My disciples.
(John 15:3-8)
 

Adoption

This week I have been stirred up with excitement again about adoption! Jon and I have been married for 2 years now (we just celebrated our anniversary on January 2nd!) and we are hoping/planning to start a family, through adoption, in the next few years. Watching videos like these brings tears to my eyes and reminds me of  the reasons why we have made the decision to adopt our children:

1. Because God didn't leave us as orphans but adopted us into His family (John 1:12, John 14:18, Romans 8:14-16, Galatians 4:4-6, 1 John 3:1-2)
2. Because God rescued us from the Kingdom of darkness and brought us into the Kingdom of the Son He loves (Colossians 1:13)
3. Because God loves us unconditionally and forever when we are adopted into His family (Romans 8:28-39, John 5:24,  John 6:37-40, Ephesians 1:3-14)
4. Because God is a father of the fatherless and He provides homes for those who are deserted (Psalm 68:5-6)
5. Because pure and genuine religion in the sight of God the Father means caring for orphans in their distress (James 1:27) 
6. Because we want "to image to our own hearts, and to the world, the glory of God and all that He has done for us" (quote from the "Beautiful Adoption story" video below) 

Praying that God, in His perfect time and perfect way,  would lead us to the children who will become ours someday. Pumped to bring them home!

Beautiful Adoption story: 
http://smthfmly.com/journal/13705796


I like Adoption Video:

What's in a Name? The Reason Behind "Nearer Still"

I have been thinking about starting blog for a while now, but a good friend encouraged me to a few weeks ago, and I think it was the final push I needed! As I was trying to think of a title for it, the phrase “Nearer Still” came to mind. I wanted a name that wouldn’t just be for this season, but that would apply to every stage of life, and I think this one fits that bill. 

Recently Hebrews 4:15-16 have become particularly significant verses of Scripture for me. I have been realizing how easy it is for me to run from God to other things when faced with life’s inevitable challenges. They may be big challenges, or just the small, ordinary, everyday bumps of life, but over and over again my temptation is to look for satisfaction in other things – whether that’s my husband’s attention and approval, the approval of others, productivity (getting things crossed off my “to-do list”), good health, peace and quiet or a host of other things. So often I blame my circumstances for my bad attitude, but I am coming to see that the problem is actually with me, not the circumstances! Sure, there may be difficult things going on at times, but it’s my sinful heart that’s really the issue.  Maybe I actually knew that before - that the problem is really with me. I think I have, deep down. But instead of repenting, I’ve been sitting and wallowing in my sin. 

In a book I am reading right now called “Idols of the Heart”, Elyse Fitzpatrick says: The worship of idols is the reason we’re discontented and it’s why we disobey God, and I recognize that as my perennial problem. I’m at the point where I’m desperate to change. I’m not content to see that I am being sinful and stay there.  I’m not ok with worshipping idols instead of the One True God. Every moment is an opportunity for me to draw near to Him – EVERY moment. When I’m sick, when I am hurting, when I am busy, when I am frustrated with someone – even in these moments, I decide who I will worship. And in every single moment, God’s mercy and grace are available to me, because of Christ. He lived the perfect life I could never live and died the death I deserved to die, in my place, so that now I can actually draw near to God. Even though He knows me and how fickle my sinful heart is... even though He sees how often I worship other things in His place, I can dare to step towards His throne of grace because He’s full of mercy and sympathy and more than able to change me.  

So, I think “Nearer Still” is a good title for this blog. It captures what God is doing in my life right now, but I hope that it is always the cry of my heart as I continue to fight to be a true follower and worshiper of Christ.

There’s a song by Leila N. Morris that was written in 1898 that I think is a perfect way to end this first entry. May this always be my prayer: 

Nearer, still nearer, close to Thy heart,
Draw me, my Savior—so precious Thou art!
Fold me, oh, fold me close to Thy breast.
Shelter me safe in that “Haven of Rest”;
Shelter me safe in that “Haven of Rest.”

Nearer, still nearer, nothing I bring,
Naught as an offering to Jesus, my King;
Only my sinful, now contrite heart.
Grant me the cleansing Thy blood doth impart.
Grant me the cleansing Thy blood doth impart.

Nearer, still nearer, Lord, to be Thine!
Sin, with its follies, I gladly resign,
All of its pleasures, pomp and its pride,
Give me but Jesus, my Lord, crucified.
Give me but Jesus, my Lord, crucified.

Nearer, still nearer, while life shall last.
Till safe in glory my anchor is cast;
Through endless ages ever to be
Nearer, my Savior, still nearer to Thee;
Nearer, my Savior, still nearer to Thee